Written By: Garry CooperConservative Congressional Democrats and Republicans appeared closer today to crafting a compromise universal health care bill that eliminates a publicly funded health insurance option and leaves healthcare in the hands of for-profit private insurance companies.
“We believe that our Procuring Less Ambitious Care for Everyone, with Better Overall Savings (PLACEBOS) plan is the answer America needs for improved healthcare,” said House Minority leader John Boehner, “The important thing about PLACEBOS is that the savings go to the insurance companies, who, because of decades of practice, know better what to do with excess capital, and that’s got to be better for everyone.”
In response to criticism that the compromise bill will leave the United States with millions of uninsured people, continually deteriorating health care for those who can’t afford escalating premiums, and the highest administrative costs for healthcare among all industrialized countries, conservative Blue Dog Democrat Senator Ben Nelson of Nebraska responded, “Not true, and even if it is true, it isn’t, and you media folks ought to know better. Come on out to our country’s town hall meetings where the truth and the real people are if you want an informed opinion.”
Nelson’s assertions were seconded by the corporate lobbying group FreedomWorks, which has been helping to fund and abet the disruptions at town hall meetings across the country and creating the impression that “average” Americans are opposed to health care reform.
“We’ll bloody people’s nose with the truth,” said FreedomWorks media spokesperson Hank Goring, “They want to kill off our country’s old folks and disabled children? We’ll give them a taste of some real American medicine.”
“With PLACEBOS, we are telling the insurance and pharmaceutical companies that they’d better be less obvious for a while about amassing huge profits in lieu of administering to people’s health,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, “And the message is getting through. Just last month, they publicly promised President Obama that they’d try to hold the line on costs for a little while. It shows that our insurance and pharmaceutical companies are still number one in the world at pretending to listen to ordinary people.”
Later, in remarks caught off camera, McConnell added to supporters, “The way they put that one over on Obama reminded me of how Kingfish used to screw Andy by pretending to help him.”
