Whirled News Ticker Tape

Back from vacation, Whirled News is catching up with last week's news.

The United States Supreme Court yesterday declared the death penalty for child rapists unconstitutional. Writing for the minority, Justice Antonin Scalia protested the decision, claiming, “I don’t see why we should treat children who rape differently than adults who rape.” Joining in the minority dissent, Justice Clarence Thomas declared, “If we can’t kill these child rapists, shouldn’t we at least be allowed to cut off their wee-wees?”…………….

The D The Dow-Jones average plunged to its lowest levels of the year today to 11,500, losing over 300-points. In a statement from the White House, President George Bush told the nation that the precipitous drop in the market was due to growing apprehension that the Democrats will take over the White House in November.

“This is a clear sign that people are so nervous about the Democrats doing their usual mismanagement that the market is already plunging into chaos,” he said. “We are having great difficulty managing the economy with the Democrats always trying to wrest control from us.”

Citing a threat to national security, he called for Democrats to immediately suspend their campaigns or face prosecution. He also called on Congress to immediately make his tax cut for the rich permanent.

“Now, even some of the people who drive our economy are starting to hurt,” he said, “And if we don’t give them more permanent tax relief, the troubles in our economy will start to trickle up.”

In a ceremony at the White House yesterday, President George Bush welcomed Philippines President Gloria Macapago-Arroyo and praised her country’s culture and history by pointing out that the White House chef was Filipino. Noting the Filipino President’s embarrassed laugh, the President quickly recovered and added, “The chef is a great person and a really good cook, by the way, Madam President." [TRUE: he actually said all this.]

The United States, which agreed to join G-8 countries today in pledging to halve greenhouse emissions by 2050, immediately backtracked after the meeting.

“I thought the agreement was to HAVE greenhouse emissions,” said President Bush.

Underscoring the United States commitment, the AP article by Joseph Coleman announcing the agreement referred to “efforts to stem the potentially dangerous rise in world temperatures.” Defending the article’s phrasing, the AP stated, “We just kind of liked the way ‘potentially’ sounded in the sentence. It added a certain balance and rhythm.”

Meanwhile in presidential campaign politics, as the environmental crisis deepened and the world economy plunged deeper into recession, Senator Barack Obama and John McCain continued to focus on repositioning themselves while the media continued to cover campaign strategies and avoid discussing any real issues.

“We’ve got Obama right where we want him,” said one McCain campaign strategist. “It’s our rope-a-dope strategy. As he keeps moving toward the center, we keep moving further to the right, continuing to shift the center. Already it’s getting more difficult to tell the difference between his current positions and those of George Bush when he first ran for President.” A spokesperson for Obama vigorously denied the assertions. “George W, Bush ran as a compassionate conservative,” the spokesperson said. “We’re running as a fiscally responsible person who believes in helping folks.”

In other news, it was reliably reported that former Senator Jesse Helms has already passed the first two circles of Hell.

“Senator Helms was given an immediate free pass through the outermost circle for giving his nation such a generous a gift on the 4th of July by dying on its birthday,” said a spokesperson for Satan. “Then he surprised us by quickly passing through the next circle. We had thought to stymie him by strewing live poor children on the bridge between the two circles, but it turns out that Mr. Helms had no qualms about stepping on them to reach his destination. “Nothing stops a Christian from reaching his final destination to do battle with Lucifer!” Mr. Helms reportedly cried. Addressing dismayed supporters of Mr. Helms back in North Carolina, a family member explained that in the dim light Mr. Helms thought the children were Black.