John McCain’s Acceptance Speech

Whirled News has obtained an advance copy of Senator John McCain’s acceptance speech to the Republican National Convention.

“My friends, many years ago, President John F. Kennedy said that the torture had
been passed to a new generation, and I am here to fulfill his prophesy. After a
long campaign in which I have shifted every position, from opposing tax cuts to
the wealthy to favoring them, from opposing torture to approving it, from being
moderately pro-choice to strongly anti-abortion, from favoring campaign finance
reform to violating Federal financing guidelines in my own campaign, from
opposing the Iraq War to supporting it, I am here tonight to assure you that I
have absolutely, one hundred percent, finished changing my positions, and you
can take that promise to any bank that’s still open. I can assure you that they
are still out there because this great economy of our great country is still
fundamentally sound.

Many of my opponents have accused me of being
inconsistent and opportunistic, and I am here today to explain what may seem
like a tortured path to this podium tonight. And don’t forget, I was tortured
decades ago, so I know a little about finding myself involved in twisting my
positions. I spent several years being tortured, so I know that people can
survive without good health care and health insurance. My health care plan,
which will leave at least 50 million Americans without health insurance or
adequate care, will give people the chance to achieve what I have done: end up a
Senator and Presidential candidate with a multimillionaire blonde babe. The
worst thing we can do is take away an individual’s initiative.

Similarly, I spent four years in a tiny, rat-infested cell, so I know
something about downsizing your home and living frugally. My lack of attention
to housing problems and to the economy will give millions of other Americans the
chance to discover, as I did, their own inner resources and the toughness that’s
always been a part of the American character. My opponent believes that you
should coddle people, make them dependent and weak. He speaks very well—those
people learn to do it in their churches. Remember his preacher, that Reverend
Wright, who preached hatred of White people? I am not for one moment saying that
my opponent believes that. Senator Obama is an honorable man and I would never
say that in his deepest heart he believes all the time that White people are the
devil, not any more than he covets blond white women like Paris Hilton and
Britney Spears. By the way, if you take away the S in her last name, she’d be
Britney Pears, though I myself think they’re more like melons. Just a little
joke, my friends, to show that I’m still the same independent John McCain who
jokes about women enjoying being raped and my wife entering a topless biker
chick contest.

During my years of being tortured, I came to believe that
had we bombed the beejesus out of North Vietnam, China, and any sections of
South Vietnam that Charlie set even one foot in, we could have won that war and
saved many more American lives, and that today the rest of the world would be
looking upon us with even more admiration than they do now. We must bomb our way
back into people’s hearts. We should be bombing Russia right now—not just to
punish them for what they’ve done to Georgia—I’ve seen Savannah and it’s a
beautiful city and it breaks my heart to think of Russkie boots treading on its
red clay soil—but to make sure that they don’t ever again become a world power.
Because countries, like people, don’t change, my friends, and fundamentally
Russia I believe is, unlike us, still set on world domination. The Cold War, my
friends, is not over; it just lies sleeping, and every terrorist is out to wake
it up and join against us.

Finally, people have said, “How can you, who
endured torture for four years, refuse to condemn the United States torturing
people?” My friends, the answer is simple. I know from personal experience that
torture builds character. The men and children we have locked up at Guantanamo
and in secret prisons around the world will come out better and stronger persons
if they survive. Some day, thanks to our country’s policies, they may even be
standing here, as grateful to you as I am. "