In a dramatic, last-minute defense of the innermost circle of Hell, Satan’s minions finally stopped the implacable advance of former Senator Jesse Helms.
Helms, the North Carolina Senator who died on July 4, had quickly pierced through every defense and distraction intended to keep him from reaching Lucifer and winning his greatest battle yet for Christianity.
In his unprecedented rapid advance, Helms had run through every defense by stepping on poor children, lynching Blacks, passing out millions of dollars to tobacco farmers and acquiring an increasingly heavy load of nuclear weapons. But at the end, it was a simple stratagem, using just a magic marker and posterboard, that stopped him.
“We put up a sign just outside the gates to Lucifer’s innermost circle that said, ‘Lucifer’s Castle. Mandatory donation for victims of HIV required. No amount too small, but you must pay something,’” explained a spokesdevil for Satan.
Observers reported that Senator Helms, at first suspecting a trick, asked guards why Satan was soliciting money to help people who’d contracted a deadly disease through licentious and immoral lifestyles, but guards informed him that it cost a lot of money for medications to keep people with AIDS alert enough so they could be tormented for eternity.
Convinced the sign was real, Senator Helms then sat down despondently by the gates, where he was remained ever since.
“We fully expect Senator Helms to remain there and rot in Hell forever,” said the spokesdevil.
