Whirled News

Jobs Summit Produces Optimism

2009-12-12T13:43:00.000-08:00

Written By: Garry Cooper

The Jobs Summit, hosted by President Obama today, produced a flood of good news and optimism. Labor Secretary Hilda Solis hailed the drop in new November jobless claims, down to only 457,000 new claims. "This is great news, excellent news," said Solis, "Our projections indicate that if the current job loss trend continues at this rate, all the jobs in America will not dry up until the year 2017, or maybe even 2018."

Administration officials also described signs that the United States economy is slowly remaking itself. "People with jobs in Michigan have shown the kind of entrepreneurial spirit that is reawakening all over our country," said one administration official, "They have been auctioning off their jobs to the highest bidders and then taking early retirement to enjoy the hard earned fruits of their labors."

But others expressed concern that the bidding for jobs has gone so high that the new workers are forced to give the lion's share of their wages to the former job holders, in effect creating a new class of urban sharecroppers. Government officials also expressed worry that many of these transactions are taking place under the table to avoid paying income tax on the job sales. "We are taking every measure to stop this black market remarketing," said Treasury Secretary and former Wall Street overseer Timothy Geithner.

Geithner warned that violators will be dealt with "even more harshly" than he has dealt with Wall Street profiteers. "That's a threat?" said one black market re-marketer who asked that his identity be kept secret. "What does more harshly mean? He's gonna slap both my wrists and tell me not to do it again for six months instead of four?"

In another sign of the entrepreneurial spirit that, in President Obama's words, is going to "remake our economy," Chicago has opened up a Job Exchange, in which futures traders buy potential jobs that might open up at companies. "This promising new venture gives businesses an infusion of cash with which to create jobs or pay executive bonuses," explained Geithner, "When new jobs open up, the traders are reimbursed a percentage of the new employees' wages for 20 to 50 years."

Meanwhile, Wal-Mart announced at the Job Summit that it is doubling the number of greeters it's hiring across the country. "In the kind of neighbor-helping-neighbor spirit that our country has always exhibited," said company spokesman Robert Baron, "Our existing greeters have accepted a 50 percent pay cut in order to help us accommodate our new hires."

Criticism of Obama's Afghanistan Policy Grows

2009-12-10T13:36:00.000-08:00

Written By: Garry Cooper

The Nobel Peace Prize committee insisted that their decision to have President Barack Obama pay his own way to Sweden to accept the Peace Prize on December 10 had nothing to do with his decision to escalate the war in Afghanistan.

"We're just a little short of cash this year and are trying to cut some costs," said the Chairman of the Nobel Committee, "This has nothing to do with President Obama sending 30,000 soldiers to Afghanistan. After all, Alfred Nobel invented dynamite." Despite the Chairman's denial, rumors persisted that they were going to revoke the President's Peace Prize and reward it instead to Tiger Woods's wife for her work on domestic violence.

In the United States, criticism of the President's decision from the far right intensified, despite the fact that his war escalation reiterated the Bush doctrine of fighting wars to prevent possible dangers to America. "It's a sign of his weakness and temporizing that after months of delay he finally decided to send only 30,000 soldiers to Afghanistan," said Senator John McCain (R-AZ), "Why couldn't he have sent 30,500 and get the job done right? The way to win a war is to hit them and hit them hard. That's how we won the war in Iraq."

Former Vice President Cheney also criticized the President's decision. "He's doing almost exactly what I wanted and he didn't give me a damn bit of credit," he growled.

The President's one-time supporters, dismayed at the far right's influence on Obama's Afghanistan policy, called for a massive demonstration in front of Cheney's house. "We're going to have thousands of people stand outside his house with tuning forks to bring universal harmonic vibrations into his heart," said one of the rally's organizers, "With any luck, that will throw the bastard's pacemaker out of whack."

But it seemed unlikely the demonstration would actually take place. As soon as the former Vice President heard of the plans, there was a rumbling inside his house, the chimney belched smoke, and the plume turned into a giant Dick Cheney who roared loud enough to shake the foundations of the White House.

Republicans Announce New Health Care Reform Bill

2009-11-28T13:24:00.000-08:00

Written by: Garry Cooper

Senate Republicans, wary of being seen as the party that blocked health care reform, today unveiled an 11th hour health care reform plan that guarantees insurance for every American citizen. "Unlike the Democratic versions which will insure only about 95% of all Americans, our bill will insure 100% of Americans," said House Minority Leader John Boehner. The bill accomplishes this by defining an American as any citizen who has health care insurance.

"By purifying our definition of American," said Boehner, "We will ensure that the poor, the lazy, the sickly, and illegal immigrants, including those who are legal, will not be entitled to any benefits. This will motivate those who want to become the New Americans to get a job, get strong, make enough money to buy insurance, or go back where they came from, and it will make our country even stronger for the generations yet to come."

Senate Republicans, worried about being associated with any kind of health care reform, originally expressed hesitation about supporting the bill, but Senate Minority leader Mitch McConnell was finally persuaded to go along after fellow Republicans agreed to attach a rider changing his title to Senate Alternative Leader.

"I've never been comfortable being associated with the term minority," said McConnell.

The compromise was devised by Senator Joseph Lieberman (?-CT), who said, "This bipartisan effort shows that unctuous sanctimonious statesmen can work together for the good of each other, regardless of party affiliation."

Congress and Climate Change

2009-11-18T03:57:00.000-08:00

Written By: Garry Cooper

Vowing to vote against the climate change bill, the Senate's foremost global warming denier, Senator James Inhofe (R-OK) pointed out that even on the slight chance that global warming does exist, "It would be part of God's plan and not for us to interfere with." Inhofe, quoting "science experts," insisted that if global warming were real, "it would function in conjunction with those flurocarbon things to create upward pressure that would open up that hole in the ozone layer even more that everyone seems so worried about. Not only would that function as a kind of chimney vent to let out all this real polluting stuff like impure thoughts and pornography, but then God's light would pour through even brighter and bathe our entire planet."

Asked which science experts he was quoting, Inhofe replied, "Lots of them, and Sarah Palin says so too."

Inhofe's assertions were backed by Representative John Shimkus (R-IL), who has pointed out that there was more carbon dioxide in the Earth's atmosphere during the age of dinosaurs and that the Earth did just fine back then. Shimkus, noted primarily for backing every coal industry bill and for walking out during President Obama's last joint address to Congress, (a political rival, Danny Stover, noted that "For me, the problem is not that Congressman Shimkus walks out during the President’s speech but that he keeps coming back in”) pointed out that not every scientist is bound by what they see in the laboratory. "Some of the greatest science has started with speculation," he said, "And speculation comes directly from God."

Health Care Reform Bill Passes

2009-11-13T15:44:00.000-08:00

Written By: Garry Cooper

Opponents of health care reform suffered two significant blows last night. The first came when the House of Representatives passed a health care reform bill. The second came just seconds later, when the chin of House Minority leader John (Don't Call me Robert Mitchum) Boehner (R-OH) dropped suddenly and thousands of dollars in insurance company payoffs, stashed into its cleft, fluttered to the ground.

An embarrassed Boehner remarked afterward that he had not intended to put the money into his chin cleft but that his pockets had already been stuffed to capacity. "I had no other option," said Boehner, "I prefer to not wear my money belt in public."

Republican reaction to the passage of health care reform was bitter. "Apparently the House of Representatives has lost sight of exactly who it's supposed to be representing," said House Minority Whip Eric Cantor (R-VA), "If the House wishes to abdicate its responsibility to speak for the underdog minorities at a time when the increasingly marginalized insurance companies are fighting for their very existence, who will be left to protect them? I want to assure our friends in the insurance industry tonight that the Republican Party will not abandon them."

Meanwhile in the Senate, which will soon vote on its own health care reform bill, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) proposed including a magnifying glass with each copy of the proposed bill. "This will help people find the public option we fully intend to include somewhere in some form in the bill," he told reporters. Reid insisted that a provision in his bill will ensure that it does not add one penny to the deficit. "As part of our health care reform bill," he said, "We are going to hold a nationwide lottery, and the lucky 250 winners will comprise the pool of people eligible for the public option."

Whirled News Reporter Found Alive

2009-11-05T13:53:00.000-08:00

Written By: Garry Cooper

Whirled News has returned after a long absence, caused by an injury to its chief reporter in Washington, DC two weeks ago. The unintended hiatus began when its Washington Bureau Chief, acting on his own time, joined a health care reform march and met with 5 Democratic conservative congressmen inside the Senate Building.

"I told them I represented health care reform," he said, "and by the time they finished cutting me up, I was still alive but had been whittled down to two feet tall. My own family no longer recognized me." In a speech later that day, President Obama expressed gratitude to the Congressmen for sparing him. "Keeping the reporter alive and still able to breathe shows what we can accomplish if we exercise good will and make a sincere effort to work with each other," he said

Meanwhile it was reported that Senator Joseph Lieberman's rabbi met privately with him at an undisclosed Connecticut location. "I had a frank and serious discussion with Joe about Judaism and social responsibility," the rabbi said. "But I got the feeling he didn't understand a word I said." The rabbi refused to comment further on the meeting except to add, "He really is a sanctimonious little shit."

Democrat Senators Explain Public Option Opposition

2009-10-02T15:48:00.000-07:00

Written By: Garry Cooper

Democratic Senators Kent Conrad (D-ND), Blanche Lincoln (D-AK) and Max Baucus (D-MT), who voted down the public option for health care yesterday, insisted that they are not necessarily opposed to a public option. Sen. Baucus who, over the last six years, leads every member of Congress in donations from health care and insurance companies, insisted that he voted against the public option only because he knew the entire Senate could never pass a bill with a public option in it.

“I don’t have any automatic opposition to the public option,” said Baucus, “I’m just being pragmatic. If I could figure out which backers of a public option could come up with comparable money for me, I’d certainly be open to changing my position.”

Senator Lincoln, who is currently trailing in polls in her home state, where support for the public option is running high, pointed out that she did not vote against the public option. “I didn’t vote at all,” she said, “So no one can accuse me of taking a principled stand for or against anything.”

The three senators insisted that as far as they are concerned, some kind of public option is still on the table. “We are firmly committed to insuring that every American has a choice in health care,” said Conrad, “Currently, those without health care can choose between bankruptcy and dying, but we’re not going to rest on our laurels! We definitely want to add a public option to the mix. I have proposed setting up hospital tents in open fields where anyone in need can come for emergency health care, as long as they can prove citizenship and have a note from their doctor. Unlike other public options, this will not add a significant cost to our budget, especially if we keep the hospital cots close enough together so that patients can rely on each other’s body heat in winter in order to save on heating costs.”

Meanwhile Senator Charles (Snaken) Grassley (R-IA), who had previously pretended to join in bipartisan negotiations on health care, vigorously argued with fellow Senate Finance Committee member Charles Schumer (D-NY), whose public option amendment Grassley helped vote down. Asked whether he opposes Medicare, Sen. Grassley said he did not because Medicare was successful and already “part of our social fabric.” Asked why he then did not vote in favor of a public option, Grassley explained that Medicare’s success proved that a public option would eventually kill off insurance companies and that would be wrong. Senator Schumer attempted to ask a follow-up question but he could not pick his jaw up off the table in time.

Health Care Reform Activists to Protest at Clinics

2009-09-21T14:17:00.000-07:00

Written By: Garry Cooper

Health care reform activists today borrowed a page from the strategy of antiabortionists and announced plans to block the entrances of doctors’ offices used by Republican members of Congress and Senator Max Baucus (D-MT).

“We’re going to stand in the way of these people’s access to health care until they make it available for everyone,” said a leading health care reform activist. “And we’re going to picket the entrances to ERs too if these Republican congressmen or Baucus happen to show up there seeking medical care.”

A panicked Sen. Baucus immediately responded, defending the health care reform reported out of his Finance Committee. “We merely wanted to raise the bar higher for middle-class and lower income Americans because every major study shows that exercise is an excellent way to remain healthy,” he said, “And jumping is one of the best exercises there is.”

Meanwhile President Obama continued to insist there will be a public option. “I want to assure every American that there will be a public option as part of this health care reform package, even if we have to pass out magnifying glasses for most people to be able to see it,” he asserted. Republican congressmen however threatened to scuttle the bill if the magnifying provision passes, pointing out that giving away magnifying glasses would add an unacceptable cost to the bill.

Republicans Come Out in Favor of Universal, Public Option Health Care

2009-09-09T00:38:00.000-07:00

Written By: Garry Cooper

In a major reversal, congressional Republicans today came out in favor of both universal health care and a public option. “Unlike the Democrats, we favor genuine universal health care,” said House Minority leader John (“Don’t call me boner”) Boehner, “We propose starting by offering health care to Venusians and Martians.”

Calling the Republican plan “a compassionate one for our nation’s poor and uninsured,” Boehner said that offering the public option first to Venusians and Martians “would give us a chance to see how a public option works without conducting a dangerous social experiment on our nation’s most vulnerable people.”

As part of the Republican proposal, Venusians and Martians would be offered both a public option and the opportunity to purchase private insurance. “Universal access to health care is likely to be something new to them,” said Boehner, “And we want them to clearly understand from the outset that socialism isn’t the answer to anything for anyone anywhere in the universe, except for a few countries here on Earth who haven’t yet learned that important lesson.”

The Republican plan also calls for $175 billion in seed money for insurance companies for start-up costs on Venus and Mars. “The logistics of setting up a viable health care program on Venus and Mars are considerable,” said Boehner, “And we want to be sure that the playing field is level for our nation’s insurance companies when they go up against our government. These people have been helping our nation’s sick for years and deserve our compassion and consideration.”

Asked whether that $175 billion shouldn’t be spent on providing health care for the uninsured here, Boehner replied that in the long run the money would be better spent by setting up a program that works for future generations as well. “A lot of these uninsured are sickly and are going to die soon,” he said, “The Republican party is committed to looking toward the future.”

Compromise Reported on Health Care Bill

2009-09-07T05:08:00.000-07:00

Written By: Garry Cooper

Congressional negotiators moved closer today to agreeing on a health care reform bill. Final details were still being discussed, but the broad outline of the bill calls for an $8 billion ransom payment to the insurance industry in exchange for returning health care to the American people. Although many Democrats expressed reservations about the large cash outlay, they appear likely to agree to the deal.

“Millions of Americans had given up hope, especially with the death of Ted Kennedy, and my increasing vacillation about a public option, that they would ever see health care again,” said President Obama.

“This is a good bill, a fair bill,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), “Surely no one expects the insurance industry to give up its annual billions of dollars in profits in exchange for nothing.” But McConnell cautioned that there was still disagreement with Democrats over a key provision of the ransom payment. “We believe the payment should be yearly and not a one-time payment,” said McConnell, “If there’s any money left over, the people who are really sick and not just trying to get something for nothing will get a little of it in the form of low-interest loans.”

McConnell characterized the tentative bill as a “win-win” situation. “People who have complained about their health care coverage can soon rest assured that the insurance industry will now just take the money and not provide anything,” he said, “So they won’t have to fight with insurance companies any more. And those who’ve complained that the American health care system has the highest administrative costs of any health care system in the industrialized world will see those costs virtually disappear. And now we can give the insurance companies a well-deserved rest after their years of service to the American people.”

Other worries remained however. After years of captivity by the insurance industry, many experts fear that the health care has suffered so much that when it returns, it will be only a weak shadow of the Canadian and British health care systems. And it remained unclear, after the several billion dollar ransom payment, how much money would be left over to bring it back into any viable condition.

“If it’s too weak to survive then it’s too weak to survive,” said McConnell, “As Republicans, we’re willing to give it the same opportunity we give everyone in this country—a chance to survive on its own.”

President Obama however sought to reassure the American people. “Yes, the health care system will be weak for a while,” he said, “But I intend to infuse it with strong doses of flourishing oratory and robust promises, and that’s as good as chicken soup any day.”

Republicans, Conservative Democrats Push New Health Care Bill

2009-08-17T15:37:00.000-07:00

Written By: Garry Cooper

Conservative Congressional Democrats and Republicans appeared closer today to crafting a compromise universal health care bill that eliminates a publicly funded health insurance option and leaves healthcare in the hands of for-profit private insurance companies.

“We believe that our Procuring Less Ambitious Care for Everyone, with Better Overall Savings (PLACEBOS) plan is the answer America needs for improved healthcare,” said House Minority leader John Boehner, “The important thing about PLACEBOS is that the savings go to the insurance companies, who, because of decades of practice, know better what to do with excess capital, and that’s got to be better for everyone.”

In response to criticism that the compromise bill will leave the United States with millions of uninsured people, continually deteriorating health care for those who can’t afford escalating premiums, and the highest administrative costs for healthcare among all industrialized countries, conservative Blue Dog Democrat Senator Ben Nelson of Nebraska responded, “Not true, and even if it is true, it isn’t, and you media folks ought to know better. Come on out to our country’s town hall meetings where the truth and the real people are if you want an informed opinion.”

Nelson’s assertions were seconded by the corporate lobbying group FreedomWorks, which has been helping to fund and abet the disruptions at town hall meetings across the country and creating the impression that “average” Americans are opposed to health care reform.

“We’ll bloody people’s nose with the truth,” said FreedomWorks media spokesperson Hank Goring, “They want to kill off our country’s old folks and disabled children? We’ll give them a taste of some real American medicine.”

“With PLACEBOS, we are telling the insurance and pharmaceutical companies that they’d better be less obvious for a while about amassing huge profits in lieu of administering to people’s health,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, “And the message is getting through. Just last month, they publicly promised President Obama that they’d try to hold the line on costs for a little while. It shows that our insurance and pharmaceutical companies are still number one in the world at pretending to listen to ordinary people.”

Later, in remarks caught off camera, McConnell added to supporters, “The way they put that one over on Obama reminded me of how Kingfish used to screw Andy by pretending to help him.”

Madoff Attempts Daring Prison Escape

2009-07-27T04:22:00.000-07:00

Written By: Garry Cooper

Less than 24 hours after entering federal prison to begin serving a 150-year sentence, convicted swindler Bernard Madoff and four other prisoners were apprehended in a daring jail break. The five were found sprawled on the ground against the wall of the prison compound, still inside the prison.

Details were still sketchy, but early reports indicated that Madoff had convinced the prisoners to climb on each others’ backs until they reached the top of the wall. The jailbreak failed when the prisoners were stacked five high, still well short of the top of the wall, and the bottom prisoner slid out to climb on top of the four remaining prisoners, collapsing the human tower.

“Madoff convinced us that we could each slide out from the bottom and get on top and we’d reach the top of the wall,” one prisoner reportedly said. “It sounds stupid now, but I tell you, the guy had us convinced.”

“When we fell on the ground, I lost my shiv, my girl’s photo, and a pack of smokes—everything I had left in the world,” said Butch McGuire, a convicted felon who is now facing an additional 20 years on top of his life sentence, “If I get my hands on the motherfucker, I’ll kill him.”

For his part in the attempted escape, Madoff now faces an addition 20 years on top of his 150-year sentence.

“I still expect to see my Bernalah one day,” said his wife Ruth Madoff, “By continuing to drink the blood of our victims, we’ll still be alive when his sentence is up.”

GOP Politicians Deny Sex Scandals, Reclaim Moral High Ground

2009-07-25T01:25:00.000-07:00

Written By: Garry Cooper

The Associated Press reports that, “South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, still clinging to office after admitting to an extramarital affair, wrote in an opinion piece released Sunday that God will change him so he can emerge from the scandal a more humble and effective leader.”

Reached later for comment, God confirmed the governor’s statement.

“I am going to paralyze that twerpy hypocrite’s penis,” said God, “Then we’ll see how much he really wants My help, and for what.”

In related news, Nevada Senator John Ensign, who had called for President Clinton’s resignation and impeachment for having sex outside marriage, again refused to resign following revelations that he not only had an affair with a staff member who was also his friend’s wife, but that his parents have paid over $90,000 to them—not as hush money but as unreported severance pay.

“This is an entirely different matter,” said Ensign, “President Clinton had only oral sex and thus lacked the moral courage and clarity to go for the whole enchilada. We need leaders who have the courage to follow through on their convictions.”

Progress Reported in Custody Negotiations over Michael Jackson’s Children

2009-07-20T04:12:00.000-07:00

Written By: Garry Cooper

The court date for the custody battle over two of Michael Jackson’s three children has been pushed back amid reports of progress in negotiations between biological mother Debbie Rowe and the deceased musician’s mother and father, Katherine and Joe Jackson.

“We’re getting pretty close to a deal,” said Joe Jackson, Michael’s father, “I can just about smell the meat a-cooking.”

According to the latest proposal, Ms. Rowe would be offered a substantial payment in exchange for dropping her custody claim, similar to the deal she accepted several years ago. Negotiations have now centered around the amount of the payment.

“Back when I last offered to give up custody of my children in exchange for cash,” said Ms. Rowe through a spokesperson, “They weighed considerably less than they do now. If we calculate the amount of the earlier payment in terms of the children’s weight back then and calculate what they will weigh when they’re 18, I think we can work out a fair payment.”

“She gets cash based on what they weigh now,” Mr. Jackson has reportedly responded, “None of this stuff about what they might weigh years later. Who knows how they’ll turn out? What if they develop that anorexia or something? Then I’ll have WAY overpaid.”

Family, friends and advisers are reportedly urging Mr. Jackson to accept Ms. Rowe’s offer, pointing out that with custody, Mr. Jackson will have the opportunity to do with Paris and Prince Michael what he did with his biological son Michael—take them completely out of normal interactions with playmates, friends and society and train them intensively and exclusively to sing and dance.

“That way,” said a family friend, “The children will make a gazillion times whatever Joe decides to pay Debbie Rowe. There’s no need for anyone to be greedy here. Everyone stands to make a killing if Debbie and Joe can just stop this bickering.”

Ticker Tape

2009-07-13T01:09:00.000-07:00

Written By: Garry Cooper

Leaders of the G8 summit today committed to trying to limit the rise in average world-wide temperatures to 2 degrees Celsius, providing that it can be done without causing too much short-term economic cost for their countries. “We think this is an excellent start for 20 years ago,” they said in a joint communiqué, “and it demonstrates to the entire world that we are serious about beginning to think about what we need to do to save human civilization.”

Responding to criticism that even a one degree rise will be devastating to billions of poor people in low-lying coastal areas like Bangla Desh, a spokesperson pointed out that a two degree rise in Celsius will make nearby Mt. Everest habitable and people can trek up there to live. “It’s not like these floods will happen overnight,” said the spokesperson. “They’ll have plenty of time to begin their trek, and remember they don’t have a lot of possessions to pack. The mass migration will also provide work for the Sherpas, and the resulting economic boom will benefit the entire region. Just like the rising oceans, the rising economic tide will lift all boats.”…..

In other news, Major League Baseball pronounced its efforts yesterday to join in honoring Michael Jackson a large success. “Not only did every player wear a glove on one hand, but a record number of players, in full view of millions of viewers, grabbed their crotches,” said Commissioner Bud Selig.

Ticker Tape

2009-07-07T01:40:00.000-07:00

More details emerged today of the final minutes in the life of music superstar Michael Jackson. As paramedics urgently tried to put an oxygen mask on the pop star, who was suffering cardiac arrest, they had difficulty fitting it over the two young boys who were attached to his face. Minutes later, paramedics attempted CPR but it was too late.

“All I got for my trouble was plastic shards stuck to my face,” said one paramedic…..

The United States House of Representatives passed the dramatic climate bill by a narrow margin of 212-209, “When the time came to do something too small to save the world, a slim majority of us stepped up to the plate,” said House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi, “This is something every American can be proud of.”

The passage of the bill was attributed to a last minute compromise by House Republicans, who agreed to vote for an even more watered down version of the bill in exchange for a provision to sell buffalo robes this winter to those who can’t afford higher heating bills. Asked why for the first time they showed concern for financially strapped Americans, House Minority Leader John Boehner waved a fat contract which gives Haliburton the right to slaughter all buffalo in the United States and sell the hides to the government at a 400 percent markup.

“Even Haliburton has gotten aboard the climate change movement,” said Boehner, “By agreeing to slash their usual profit margin in half. This is a win-win situation. Everyone benefits, from big business to those poor people who can afford to buy buffalo robes. And with the buffalo gone, our nation’s oil drillers won’t have to worry about stepping in poop as they continue to drill for oil in our prairies.”

Billy Mays Dead

2009-07-01T10:29:00.000-07:00

Famed infomercial pitchman Billy Mays, the voice of such products as OxiClean, was reported dead yesterday morning. “Not just dead,” said a spokesperson, “But deader than you’ve ever seen anyone before! We mean dead!” he said, setting up a klaxon horn next to the prone body of Mr. Mays.

“So dead that even this mega-decibel klaxon horn won’t wake him up!”

And as millions of distraught television viewers hopefully watched, the powerful horn vibrated the coffin, but Mr. Mays did not stir. “That’s dead, friends,” said the spokesperson. “Even this amazing Resurrect-O spray, which brings to life wilted fruits and vegetables and makes your tattered winter coat glow like new, won’t do the trick.”

Indeed, after liberally spraying Mr. Mays’s body, he remained pallid and lifeless, although his pine coffin transformed into a gleaming ebony casket.

Mr. Mays is survived by millions of Vega-matics and space age bonding agents residing on pantry shelves, under kitchen sinks and in garages. In lieu of flowers, his family asks that admirers of Mr. Mays make a modest donation to the Billy Mays Trust Fund for Needy Believers and Kids Who Need Last Minute Mother’s and Father’s Day Gifts.

“Because Billy devoted his life to making the lives better for millions of low to moderate income Americans,” said a family spokesperson, “We are asking everyone to send just a modest donation and to include $39.99 for shipping and handling.”

Cubs Fire Christ

2009-06-29T01:40:00.000-07:00

The Chicago Cubs today ended what began as a bold new experiment by firing this season’s new hitting coach, Jesus Christ.

“We thought at the beginning of the season that we hired not just the best but the only man who could teach players like Alfonso Soriano to stop swinging at pitches ten feet above his stupid goddamned head the few times we happen to get men on base,” said Cubs General Manager Jim Hendry, “But even Christ couldn’t do it.”

Cubs manager Lou Piniella, who originally supported the hiring of Jesus Christ, tried to disassociate himself from the now disgraced hitting coach.

“I thought when Hendry told me he was hiring Jesus we were getting some guy from the Dominican Republic,” he said, “I had no idea it was Christ Himself. Clearly He was the wrong man for the job. All season our hitters have been standing at the plate thinking they’ve got to be nice to the pitcher and not hit the poor little ball.”

A visibly shaken Christ met with reporters after learning about his firing.

“I’m not used to failing at something,” He said.

Asked how he felt, Christ responded, “I thought I knew everything about suffering there was to know, but after two months with this team, I’ve experienced suffering I’d never even dreamed about.”

Obama’s Speech Draws Mixed Reactions

2009-06-19T14:28:00.004-07:00

Written By: Garry Cooper

Reaction to President Obama’s speech today to students at Cairo University ranged from mild disappointment to adulation.

“I was hoping he would say something about eliminating final examinations,” said one disappointed student. “This speech hardly spoke to the young people at all.”

Around the world, reaction was also mixed. “There was nothing in this speech at all for us,” said Heath N. Power, president of the International Secular Humanist Society, “Everything was about Muslims, Christians and Jews. He treated us like god, as if we don’t exist.”

The Vatican applauded the speech but also expressed some reservations. “We believe in humility,” said a spokesperson for Pope Benedict, “But every time he mentioned the only three religions worth noting, he put us second.”

Others, however, responded with more enthusiasm. “I like very much when he says that every religion believes that one should treat others as one would wish to be treated,” said Abdul el Abu, a Shi’ite Muslim, “That was true and very good. Women wish ardently to procreate and give their husbands pleasure, and this is what we wish for them too.”

Meanwhile Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu pointed out that the speech implicitly endorsed Israeli policies. “He wishes a better life for the Palestinians, and so do we,” he said, “This is why we have walled them off, to protect them from radical elements among us who would like to do them harm.”

Asked whether he agreed with the President’s assessment that Palestinians’ lives were “intolerable,” the Prime Minister replied, “Absolutely. Their lives are intolerable to us too.”

In response to the President’s call for the Israelis to abandon their settlements, the Prime Minister was less certain. “That’s easier said than done,” he said, “By the time it takes us to abandon one settlement, fourteen more spring up. It is like trying to stop an Orthodox Jew from davening or a Muslim from killing.”

Reaction in the United States centered around the President’s plans for building cultural bridges between Muslims and Americans. “I suppose we could let more of them in here to study,” said MSNBC commentator Pat Buchanan, “It could certainly be done, as long as we implanted microchips in them so we could keep track of their every movement, and the microchips were programmed to detonate two weeks after they earn their degrees if they’re still in our country.”

While some economists questioned where the money would come from to fund the several programs in Muslim countries that the President proposed, others were confident the money could be found.

“We could start by harvesting the organs from the millions of street urchins around the world,” said Sigmund Hiel, from the Heritage Foundation, a conservative economic think tank, “We have members and relatives who would pay big money for those organs, if not for use for themselves, then as middle men to turn an honest profit.” Others proposed letting Madonna buy more children.

Whirled News Ticker Tape

2009-06-19T14:28:00.003-07:00

Professor Douglas Emlen, world expert on the dung beetle, points out that male beetles who have the largest horns on top of their heads are the fiercest fighters. However, he says, the material and energy that go into growing larger horns has to come from somewhere else in their bodies, so that the beetles with the largest horns have smaller testes.

In other news, Yankee shortstop Alex Rodriguez returns to the lineup this week after recovering from a steroid-related injury.

The H1N1 virus was inducted today into the International Journalism Major Event That Quickly Fizzled into Insignificance Hall of Fame, joining the 1973-74 appearance of Comet Kahoutek. The World Health Organization (WHO) however warned that the H1N1 virus could still mutate into something more fatal and uncontrollable and become the major story of the decade.

“It is not like the Chicago Cubs, who are clearly not going to ever live up to expectations,” said WHO Director Margaret Chan.

Major media spokespersons for television and newspapers defended themselves against charges that declining revenues had influenced their decision to over-inflate the threat of the swine flu.

“Certainly it’s true that we don’t have the time, revenue or inclination to do any more investigative journalism,” they said, “Which makes stories like swine flu terrific candidates for saturation coverage. But this doesn’t at all mean that we have lost our verve and determination to take risks in our choices of what to cover. Just like terrorism, swine flu may still someday become a major threat, and if it does, we’ll look pretty darn smart then, won’t we?”

Republicans Reveal New Economic Recovery Plan

2009-06-19T14:28:00.001-07:00

Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY), Representative John Boehner (R-OH) and a team of Republican economist strategists released their own plan for economic recovery today.

“Our earlier two plans were criticized for a lack of new ideas,” they said in a joint statement, “This new plan addresses that concern and provides a fresh blueprint to lead our nation into economic recovery and beyond.”

The cornerstone of the plan calls for allowing failing auto manufacturers and financial institutions to buy up all available stockpiles of the anti-viral medications Tamiflu and Relenza at below cost and then resell them at reasonable markups to the public.

“We must act quickly,” said McConnell, “As our bloated federal government has already let about a quarter of our nation’s stockpiles slip through its fingertips and given it to states for free, and history tells us that we can expect the same financially irresponsible and profligate action from many states.”

McConnell speculated that, while they’re trying to pass their new plan, the Republican National Committee might seek an emergency injunction prohibiting states from giving the anti-viral medications away for free.

“These anti-viral medications cost our private industries millions of dollars to develop, and giving them away for free sends the wrong message to private enterprise,” McConnell added.

Asked whether allowing automobile manufacturers and financial institutions to buy the medications at below cost also discouraged private enterprise, McConnell pointed to the second part of the plan, which called for billion dollar Patriotism Incentivization Payments to pharmaceutical companies to compensate for their contribution to the economic recovery package.

“Unlike government bailouts, which come with all kinds of strings attached and have horrible connotations,” said McConnell, “Patriotism Incentivization Payments reward patriotism. Instead of seeding further dependency and greed with bailouts, our Patriotism Incentivization Payments seed further patriotism, and in the end that benefits every American.”

Asked whether it wasn’t the federal and state governments’ responsibility to make medications available to everyone who needs it, rather than only to those who can afford it, McConnell pointed out that giving away anti-viral medications to the poor only increases their immune systems’ dependency on outside help.

“Where does it end?” he asked, “If we never give their immune systems a chance to develop their own strengths, they will forever be dependent upon government handouts. It’s time to end the kind of paternalism that keeps poor people trapped in a cycle of helplessness and life.”

“The current distribution scheme of the wasteful Federal government shows exactly why private enterprise is the only route out of these difficult economic times, which we would never have gotten into if the government hadn’t kept scaring our nation’s financial institutions and investors by threatening to someday regulate them a little bit,” stated Boehner, “By allowing our giant industries and financial institutions to take control of anti-viral medications and sell directly to the public, we eliminate the costly and inefficient government middle-man. Swine flu isn’t the problem; big government is.”

Pressed for more specifics on their plan, including what a “reasonable markup” would be for reselling the medications, McConnell and Boehner insisted that the market would be the best determinant.

“If we get into the business of setting profit margins,” said Boehner, “We’re back to the same old threats of government regulation that got us into this economic morass in the first place.”

Other components of the plan included larger and permanent tax cuts for the wealthiest two percent of the country who controls only 98 percent of the wealth.

“We’re asking these people to take on an enormous burden,” said McConnell. “They’re taking on the responsibility of administering crucial medications during a global pandemic, and we need for them to be able to concentrate on the task at hand instead of worrying about how to continue to take financial care of their own families. After all, some day their own children will assume their mantle of patriotic and social responsibility, so we need to take care of them now. This is a forward looking plan.”

Obama Applauds Spanish Inaction on War Crimes

2009-06-19T14:27:00.004-07:00

Candido Conde-Pumpido, Spain's Attorney General, announced today that he would not support his country’s investigation against United States officials for war crimes.

“The original decision to investigate United States officials such as George Bush, Dick Cheney and Alberto Gonzalez for the war crime of ordering and condoning torture was not in full possession of certain facts which present extenuating circumstances,” he said, “Subsequent investigation found that the supposed victims were Muslim infidels.”

Conde-Pumpido cited precedents in Spanish law supporting his position that dated back to the Inquisition and have continued through Generalissimo Franco and to recent treatment of Basque separatists.

“Torture is not always torture,” said Conde-Pumpido, “It is occasionally an instrument of salvation for both the potential victims and the perpetrators. Indeed, under certain circumstances, torture may be seen as an extreme instrument of mercy.”

President Obama, who has announced he will not seek prosecution of CIA operatives who tortured, welcomed the Spanish decision.

“This sure takes heat off my ass,” he said.

To further cool passions, the President, even as he authorized releasing memos that detailed the Bush administration’s methods of, and quasi-legal rationales for, torture, announced that he would not seek legal action against CIA torturers and their psychologist aides.

“Presidents must make the difficult decisions to exercise moral leadership,” he said, “And if you remember what happened to President Kennedy when he angered the CIA, it’s clear that were I to condone legal action against certain CIA operatives, I wouldn’t be around long enough to exercise moral leadership on the issues that matter to most Americans. What kind of example would that set for Sasha and Malia?”

Meanwhile, former Vice President Cheney also applauded the Spanish decision.

“Today, the Spanish government has taken steps which make us much safer,” he said.

The upbeat press conference, however, was marred by an unfortunate accident when a reporter who asked who the Vice President meant by “us,” was killed in an automobile crash on his way back from the press conference. Upon learning of the accident, the former Vice-President said, “Mrs. Cheney and I sincerely regret the loss of a life, even that of a reporter who asks questions.”

North Korean Satellite Launched

2009-06-19T14:27:00.003-07:00

With the recovery by American ships in the Pacific Ocean of the failed North Korean satellite launch, new details have emerged about the secret North Korean project.

“Retrieval of the satellite was easier than expected,” said an American official, “We had expected that it would sink pretty quickly down to the ocean floor, but it was actually bobbing on the surface.”

Experts surmised that the flotation qualities were due to the satellite’s unique construction.

“It seems to be a volleyball with metal hair curlers and rabbit ear television antennas glued to the surface,” said one unnamed official, “It’s really quite remarkable. Our next step is to conduct a spectrographic analysis to analyze what kind of space age bonding agent they used so that the hair curlers and antennas would remain adhered to the volleyball during the high winds and g-force present during takeoff.”

North Korean officials meanwhile insisted that the launch was a success, despite the fact that the rocket failed to deliver the satellite into orbit.

“This glorious achievement of Kim Jong Il heralds the dawn of a new era,” said a North Korean spokesperson, “Even as we speak the satellite is still traveling, and by the time it reaches America it will have traveled farther in one direction than any satellite any nation has ever launched.”

The international uproar over the launch meanwhile continued.

“This does for President Obama what the invasion of Grenada did for Reagan and the invasion of Panama did for Bush,” crowed one aide, “By taking the toughest possible position against a pathetically weak adversary, we can appear strong enough to temporarily shut up viewers of Fox News. This is pure red meat for the meat-heads.”

Economic Crisis May Have Reached Turning Point

2009-06-19T14:27:00.001-07:00

As the economy worsens, the Obama administration has changed the name of Vice President Joe Biden’s Middle-Class Task Force to the Middle-Class Expeditionary Force.

“We suspect there are still some middle-class folks left in this country, and I’m charging Joe Biden with finding out where they are,” said President Obama, “If we can locate the last remaining middle-class folks, we’ll try to save a few of them so our grandchildren will at least know what they looked like.”

Government economists worried however that the Expeditionary Force might be too late, and that middle-class people have transmogrified into lower-class people.

“If so,” said new White House Assistant Treasury Secretary Wally Street, “It’s probably too late to do anything for them. If you’ll recall from the last presidential campaign, no candidate ever said anything about the lower-class at all. It’s not like we can suddenly manufacture programs out of nothing. We can only do that with housing values and securities.”

In other economic news, government economists predicted that the Down Jones has finally stopped its decline.

“We believe the Dow has touched bottom and is now in the crapper but eventually we’ll be flush again,” said Street.

Difficulties Revealed with Barbara Bush Heart Transplant

2009-06-19T14:26:00.002-07:00

As former First Society Maven Barbara Bush continued to recover from her heart surgery, doctors revealed for the first time that they encountered a surprise during surgery.

“We cracked open her chest and were amazed to find out that she already had a heart,” said Dr. Frank N. Stein, head neurosurgeon of Houston Methodist Hospital, “We immediately checked her wrist band to make sure this was the same lady who had raised George and Neil, and who had said that the Katrina evacuees were enjoying living in emergency shelters in Houston.”

Despite that surprise, surgeons reported Ms. Bush was doing well.

“Because we used the aorta from a pig, Ms. Bush is experiencing no difficulties with rejection,” said Stein, “The only problems we’re encountering since the transplant is that Ms. Bush has been insisting she wants to spend the rest of her life snuffling around the back yard of the family compound in Kennebunkport and spending three days a week on Wall Street.”

Republicans Reveal Economic Stimulus, Healthcare Plans

2009-06-19T14:26:00.001-07:00

Reacting to criticism that they are offering only negativity and the same failed solutions to America’s economic and healthcare crises, Republicans today unveiled their own plan.

“This plan represents the forward-thinking of the Republican Party and its commitment to bettering the lives of millions of poor and working class Americans,” said a joint communiqué by Republican National Party Chairman Michael Steelhart and Republican Social Policy Chairman Robert Baron

“The Republican Healthcare for Everyone, Less Losers plan (HELLp) highlights freedom of choice for any type of health care, excluding murderous abortions,” said Steelhart. “In addition, it offers cost-savings and has an economic stimulus component.”

The cornerstone of the plan is the Cut-Cut provision, which grants anyone seeing a doctor for any injury or illness treatable by amputation, including infected hangnails or broken bones, the choice of conventional treatment for the usual higher medical charges given to people without health insurance, or outpatient amputation, which would be accompanied by a one time tax cut and either a free hook or a wooden leg, depending upon the limb.

“This plan incentivizes choosing the lower cost medical treatment by providing an economic stimulus, which will help the economy, and it controls costs by eliminating needless tests, expensive medications, and expensive disease chronicity. But at the same time it does not mandate treatment, thus respecting the traditional doctor-patient medical decision-making. If people want to pay for the higher price, non-amputation treatments and forego the extra cash incentive, they’re absolutely free to choose it,” said Baron.

Steelhart and Baron emphasized that the plan is a perfect example of Republican long-range planning.

“HELLp shows that rather than being the party of short-term planning and greed, the Republican Party has been preparing the way for comprehensive and universal healthcare reform for the last eight years,” said Baron, “By creating a growing number of uninsured and economically deprived, we have finally created a vast pool of eligible participants for HELLp. Not only will this enlist millions of people in the campaign to cut health care costs, but it will also ensure that they are eligible for tax cuts, which remains the only thing that will cure our current economic difficulties which have been caused by Democrats who have continually tried to water down our tax cur proposals with their biggovernmenttaxandspend ideas.”

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindall, who delivered last night’s rousing rebuttal to President Obama’s joint Congressional address, welcomed the new plan.

“I like this plan very much,” he said. “I think it is a very good plan, very good, in fact very, very nice. Within a few years of this plan, our city of New Orleans will look more like Calcutta.”

Asked whether he was alluding to streets filled with thousands of people with amputated limbs living in tin shacks and cardboard boxes, the Governor replied, “No, no. I am thinking of a caste system.”

Economic Crisis Grows

2009-06-19T14:25:00.004-07:00

The New York Post issued an apology today for its cartoon linking a dead chimpanzee to President Barack Obama and his economic stimulus bill, saying it had no racist intentions and apologizing to any overly-sensitive Black people who may have drawn the wrong conclusions and mistakenly felt offended.

“Emotions are contagious,” the editorial said, “And as soon as one person becomes agitated, everybody around him starts baring their teeth, beating their breasts, jumping up and down and screeching.”

Meanwhile the stock market continued its decline, with the Down Jones average hitting a six-year low.

“Clearly the President is not yet getting the message that the financial community will not express confidence in any economic program that attempts to curtail our greed,” said one prominent Wall Street analyst.

Other analysts however saw cause for optimism in the continuing market downtown. “As soon as enough stocks fall below zero and slip into negative territory,” one said, “There’s another Bernie Madoff waiting to snatch them up and sell them to anyone who has any money left, and then we can begin to build another speculative bubble.”

Reports that President Obama had launched another bipartisan peacemaking initiative by meeting in his office for hours with Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell proved unfounded. The rumor apparently began when someone mistakenly identified the head of a coho salmon on the President’s office wall as the Senator.

“The President continues to show absolutely no willingness to compromise,” said an aide to Senator McConnell, “As long as he insists on refusing to tie negotiation to capitulation, we have nothing to talk about. He continues to insist that the way out of this economic disaster is to try something new rather than to do more of our same strategies of tax cuts and government non-involvement. It was the Democrats’ insistence on blocking our tax cuts and their attempts to reinvigorate government that prevented our strategies from working in the first place and led to this economic disaster, and now he wants to continue on the same failed track.”

Whirled News Ticker Tape

2009-06-19T14:25:00.003-07:00

Less than 24 hours after the crash of USAir flight 1549, the first lawsuit was filed by passenger Claude McAuliffe, of Charlotte, NC.

“I never got my damn peanuts,” he said. “I saw a whole plastic bagful of ‘em back in the galley, so I know they were on the plane.”

The lawsuit was not the only sour note to creep in after the initial euphoria of the rescue wore off. Right wing talk radio shows condemned gay people’s behavior in the immediate aftermath of the forced landing.

“We can see the effects of years of tolerating homosexuals by what happened in New York City yesterday,” said one commentator, “That plane had hardly hit the water when we started hearing about fairies rushing up to it and grabbing people.”

Meanwhile, although divers failed to retrieve the plane’s black box because of thick mud at the bottom of the Hudson River, they did report finding traces of the Dow Jones.

Neocons Seek Protection as Endangered Species

2009-06-19T14:25:00.001-07:00

Showing their characteristic lack of irony, leading neoconservatives today sought emergency protection as an endangered species from the Environmental Protection Agency which they worked for years to destroy. “Our numbers have dropped rapidly since November,” said leading neocon spokesperson Mynah Camph, “and after January 20th, we’re threatened with the loss of our natural habitat.”

In addition to losing their habitat, neocons also listed other reasons threatening their existence, including possible prosecution for war crimes, and the unlikelihood that President Bush will be able to survive outside of the White House. “Cheney is tough enough to continue to shoot or eat his natural predators,” said the spokesperson, “but with Cheney too old to procreate, and his daughter unlikely to, that leaves a critically small pool of others left. And there is very real concern that George Bush is too stupid to survive on his own.”

Not all neocons agreed with the plea for EPA protection. “We don’t believe that government should be the first solution to any problem,” said neocon leader Will N. Hammer. “We think the solution is to destroy the government before you ask it for help.” Hammer advocated that instead of petitioning the EPA, neocons should merely march in and take the other half of the $750 billion bailout money. “The way that Wall Street made a nakedly greedy power grab for that money was outrageous,” said Hammer. “They stole our playbook and took the cash from right under our nose.”

The EPA reportedly offered to declare the projected George Bush library as a protected natural habitat for neocons, but Camph pointed out that declaring a library a natural habitat for neocons was like “sending the Cherokee Indians from their native swamps and forests into the arid Oklahoma desert to live.” In addition, Camph pointed out, the George Bush library is likely to be too small. “How can we cram all the neons into one small room?” she asked.

Bush to Deliver Farewell Speech to Nation

2009-06-19T14:24:00.003-07:00

President George Bush’s Press Secretary announced today that the President is contemplating delivering a farewell address to the nation early next month.

The plan gained immediate support. “You’ve got to keep your sense of history,” said a Chicago, IL high school history teacher. “It’s guaranteed to be the most famous self-serving speech since Nixon’s lachrymose Checkers speech, and we’ll be able to tell our grandchildren we saw it live.” Environmentalists also cheered the speech. “At least for about 40 minutes on one evening in January, his supporters won’t be out destroying the environment,” said a Greenpeace official. Wall Street and Vice President Cheney also expressed enthusiastic support, announcing that while the nation was glued to their televisions sets, bankers were going to loot the Treasury of its few remaining funds while the Vice President would lead a military coup and take over the government.

Other citizens expressed less support for the President delivering a farewell address. “It’s kind of like a rapist stopping at his victim’s bedroom door on his way out and saying, ‘Years from now you’ll look back and be glad for what I did to you,’” said one citizen. “It’s the first time I’ve been glad I lost my home and I‘m living in a homeless shelter with no television,” said another. “What a relief I don’t have health insurance and couldn’t afford to have a heart transplant,” said a dying Omaha, NE woman. “When you’re in the hospital you sometimes want to keep the TV turned off, but your roommate insists on turning it on.”

Whirled News Ticker Tape

2009-06-19T14:24:00.001-07:00

More details emerged about the meeting between President-elect Barack Obama and former opponent John McCain. “Barack kept him sitting there for a three-and-a-half hour, seemingly cordial conversation,” chucked a staff member. “By the end of hour two, McCain was shifting and squirming, and during the third hour you could see the dark stain growing on the front of his pants.”

In other news, concern mounted about the growing epidemic of hijacking in which huge oil tankers and other merchandise are being seized by pirates who then sell the shipments back, accumulating obscene wealth and building huge mansions. “Something must be done about the international corporations, traders and CEOs, before they drain away the world’s entire wealth into their own coffers,” warned an independent economist. Alarmed and outraged congressional leaders summoned the CEOs of Detroit’s Once Big Three automakers for a hearing yesterday. The three CEOs testified for nearly an hour before breaking for lunch and eating the identical lunch as CEOs from the nation’s largest banks at last week’s hearing. They walked into the visitors’ gallery and sunk their teeth into the necks of onlookers.

As the economic picture darkened, Obama’s transition team announced that the President-elect planned to roll out his new economic plan on day one of his presidency. “We’ve been looking at the economy that Obama’s going to inherit from President Bush, and we’re studying what we can do,” said a leader of the economic transition team. At yesterday’s meeting, the team watched the scene from Charlie Chaplin’s The Gold Rush five times in a row where Chaplain eats a lavish meal consisting of an old boot. “We think there’s something there we can use,” the spokesperson said.

Economic News

2009-06-19T14:23:00.004-07:00

Following today’s 668 point plunge in the Dow Jones, President Bush announced that he will address the nation tomorrow once again in order to restore confidence in the nation’s financial system.

“Once folks see me standing there talking to them, they’re gonna feel better knowing I’ve got a handle on things,” he explained.

The President intends to outline good news about the stock market, pointing out that last week the market dropped over 7 percent and lost 777 points, but that yesterday it dropped 7.3 percent and lost only 668 points.

“Our economists point out that as the Dow keeps losing points, each percentage drop translates into fewer points lost,” he will say. “That’s simple mathematics. Common sense. What our country’s built on and stands for.”

Meanwhile the Federal Reserve Board insisted that its .5 percentage point lowering of the prime interest rate two days ago was not meant by itself to halt the market’s decline but was part of a longer range plan.

“The prime rate is now 1.5 percent,” a spokesperson explained. “We intend to keep lowering the prime rate until it drops into negative territory, at which point we will begin giving money to people who own any debt.”

Plans are already in place to arrange for an orderly distribution of cash once the prime drops into negative territory, with those with the highest incomes receiving the first disbursements.

“It’s the only equitable way to do it,” the spokesperson explained. “The rich owe more, so they should go first. It's modeled after the Economic Recovery Package Congress passed the other week.”

Meanwhile, Senator John McCain today released his most specific economic bailout plan to date. Economic Plan 4.5, which replaces Economic Plans 3, 3.5 and 4, all of which were rolled out during Tuesday night’s debate, calls for the United States government “to buy up some of the bad mortgages and do something with them along with doing some other things too.”

Deceased Senator Roman Hruska Supports McCain

2009-06-19T14:23:00.003-07:00

Ex-Nebraska Senator Roman Hruska (R-NE), dead since 1999, has returned from retirement to support John McCain and Sarah Palin in the 2008 Presidential race. The return of Hruska is widely seen as a remarkable coup for the McCain-Palin campaign.

“We used our right-wing Christian connections on this one to resurrect Roman,” said a spokesperson for the McCain campaign, “Hruska is the ideal person to support Governor Palin for Vice-President.”

In 1970, Hruska famously defended Nixon Supreme Court nominee G. Harrold Carswell by stating, "Even if he is mediocre, there are a lot of mediocre judges and people and lawyers. They are entitled to a little representation, aren't they, and a little chance?"

In her interview with ABC’s Charles Gibson, Governor Palin immediately welcomed Hruska’s help. Asked by Gibson whether she knew who he was, the Governor responded, “Of course I do, Charlie. He was in government once, Charlie, and like John McCain he supports everything I’ve memorized for this interview. Pro-family, Charlie. Strong America, Charlie, and American values. Strong defense, Charlie. Charlie, like Senator McCain, he’s for lower taxes and an end to tax-and-spend government. He wants to drill, Charlie, drill, so we can get ahead of this global warming thing once and for all, Charlie”

In the most recent Internet ad, a slightly green Hruska, with one ear rotted and his teeth more prominent with his lips having fallen away, stands shakily but defiantly on a cane and says, “I stand here today in defense ofAmerica, and John McCain is the perfect man to be standing just as I am to be President. In addition to the wisdom that comes with age, we are both proud Romans, we will defeat the thick-lipped, savage Carthaginians, and our Empire will triumphantly rule forever.”

A McCain spokesperson denied that the ad made a veiled racist reference to opponent Barack Obama. “This campaign has never stooped to racism. We respect Senator Obama even though he’s been too lazy and irresponsible to show up at his job for weeks yet expects that hard-working American people will just hand everything over to him.”

Hurricane Gustav Named Perfect Storm of 21st Century

2009-06-19T14:23:00.001-07:00

Hurricane Gustav was today designated the Perfect Storm of the 21st Century by Republican National Committee Chairman Robert Duncan.

“It was a minor hurricane that the national media helped us blow up into a potential major crisis. This not only enabled even FEMA to manage it, but it helped us get out of the embarrassment of having Presidents Bush and Cheney appear at our convention. In addition, it enabled us to downsize our convention to avoid any comparisons with the Democrats’ convention.”

Hurricane Gustav has thus entered history as the Perfect Storm, a timely convergence of the media’s propensity to blow up every event into a crisis, coupled with the Republicans’ need to appear competent and humanitarian, divert focus from their convention, and erase memories of their response to Katrina.

“Quite frankly, we were at a loss what to do until this tropical storm finally began to look as if it might become a hurricane,” said Duncan, “Suddenly we realized that we could divert the focus from our convention to a titanic battle with nature on the rampage. Overnight we shifted the focus from Operation Goosestep to Hurricane Gustav.”

“FEMA is not going to let down its guard and let the realization seep in that we needlessly evacuated millions of people just to appear that we know what we’re doing and that we care about people’s safety and welfare,” said Director Michael Chertoff, “We insist upon reminding people that the danger is not yet over, flooding in New Orleans is still a possibility, we remain vigilant, and we are not going to let people back into their homes until we have completely milked this.”

When reporters pointed out that New Orleans temporarily floods after every major rainstorm until the pumps can catch up with the rainfall, and mass evacuations have never been necessary due to that kind of flooding, an angry Chertoff responded, “That’s not what flooding from Hurricane Gustav will be about. Levee walls may be breached and it is only because of the millions of dollars we spent restoring some of them to their shaky pre-Katrina state that worse disaster may be avoided.”

To mollify reporters, Chertoff offered to pass out bottles of ice water as soon as the trucks make it into the city from Maine.

Palin Revealed as Second Choice for Veep

2009-06-19T14:22:00.004-07:00

Insiders in the McCain campaign revealed today that Alaska Governor Sarah Palin had been John McCain’s second choice for Vice-President, when his first choice pulled out at the last minute.

“Jesus Christ would have been a perfect match for the Senator,” the source said. “Choosing Christ certainly would have sent a strong message to our base. Both the Senator and Christ suffered mightily for the welfare of their fellow men and women. The image of the two of them on the podium at the Convention, unable to raise their arms because of their torture, would have left an indelible impression. And like the Senator, Christ also firmly believed that His government was never going to help provide for the basic needs of its people, so that its only competency lies in providing national security.”

According to the source, Christ had agreed in principle to serve as McCain’s running mate but in the days preceding the official announcement, signs of hesitation began to appear. “First the Christ camp expressed reservations about trespassing across the traditional separation between church and state. We were able to reassure them that that artificial division had pretty much disappeared in the last eight years.. But then they insisted that the Senator renounce all influence of rich people and powerful lobbyists, and we finally had to draw the line at that. Jesus argued that for Him to join the Republican ticket after having made His reputation by chasing the Pharisees from the money temples would be too inconsistent with His image and leave Him open to charges of hypocrisy. Although we pointed out repeatedly that although Senator McCain has consistently denounced the influence of the rich, his long and continuing associations with powerful lobbyists haven’t bothered his supporters at all, ultimately we weren’t able to overcome Jesus’s reservations. It’s a god damned shame.”

John McCain’s Acceptance Speech

2009-06-19T14:22:00.003-07:00

Whirled News has obtained an advance copy of Senator John McCain’s acceptance speech to the Republican National Convention.

“My friends, many years ago, President John F. Kennedy said that the torture had
been passed to a new generation, and I am here to fulfill his prophesy. After a
long campaign in which I have shifted every position, from opposing tax cuts to
the wealthy to favoring them, from opposing torture to approving it, from being
moderately pro-choice to strongly anti-abortion, from favoring campaign finance
reform to violating Federal financing guidelines in my own campaign, from
opposing the Iraq War to supporting it, I am here tonight to assure you that I
have absolutely, one hundred percent, finished changing my positions, and you
can take that promise to any bank that’s still open. I can assure you that they
are still out there because this great economy of our great country is still
fundamentally sound.

Many of my opponents have accused me of being
inconsistent and opportunistic, and I am here today to explain what may seem
like a tortured path to this podium tonight. And don’t forget, I was tortured
decades ago, so I know a little about finding myself involved in twisting my
positions. I spent several years being tortured, so I know that people can
survive without good health care and health insurance. My health care plan,
which will leave at least 50 million Americans without health insurance or
adequate care, will give people the chance to achieve what I have done: end up a
Senator and Presidential candidate with a multimillionaire blonde babe. The
worst thing we can do is take away an individual’s initiative.

Similarly, I spent four years in a tiny, rat-infested cell, so I know
something about downsizing your home and living frugally. My lack of attention
to housing problems and to the economy will give millions of other Americans the
chance to discover, as I did, their own inner resources and the toughness that’s
always been a part of the American character. My opponent believes that you
should coddle people, make them dependent and weak. He speaks very well—those
people learn to do it in their churches. Remember his preacher, that Reverend
Wright, who preached hatred of White people? I am not for one moment saying that
my opponent believes that. Senator Obama is an honorable man and I would never
say that in his deepest heart he believes all the time that White people are the
devil, not any more than he covets blond white women like Paris Hilton and
Britney Spears. By the way, if you take away the S in her last name, she’d be
Britney Pears, though I myself think they’re more like melons. Just a little
joke, my friends, to show that I’m still the same independent John McCain who
jokes about women enjoying being raped and my wife entering a topless biker
chick contest.

During my years of being tortured, I came to believe that
had we bombed the beejesus out of North Vietnam, China, and any sections of
South Vietnam that Charlie set even one foot in, we could have won that war and
saved many more American lives, and that today the rest of the world would be
looking upon us with even more admiration than they do now. We must bomb our way
back into people’s hearts. We should be bombing Russia right now—not just to
punish them for what they’ve done to Georgia—I’ve seen Savannah and it’s a
beautiful city and it breaks my heart to think of Russkie boots treading on its
red clay soil—but to make sure that they don’t ever again become a world power.
Because countries, like people, don’t change, my friends, and fundamentally
Russia I believe is, unlike us, still set on world domination. The Cold War, my
friends, is not over; it just lies sleeping, and every terrorist is out to wake
it up and join against us.

Finally, people have said, “How can you, who
endured torture for four years, refuse to condemn the United States torturing
people?” My friends, the answer is simple. I know from personal experience that
torture builds character. The men and children we have locked up at Guantanamo
and in secret prisons around the world will come out better and stronger persons
if they survive. Some day, thanks to our country’s policies, they may even be
standing here, as grateful to you as I am. "

Obama Urged to Revamp Campaign Strategy

2009-06-19T14:22:00.001-07:00

Alarmed by the latest polls showing that John McCain has pulled even or slightly ahead, Obama campaign officials rushed to reassure supporters that the campaign is unfolding according to plan.

“We’re doing the same successful thing we did in Senator Obama’s senatorial campaign,” insisted chief strategist David Axelrod, “We were running against an arch-conservative crazy guy then too, and we felt that it made sense to jettison every trace of Barack’s progressive background and run toward the middle.”

When reporters pointed out that Obama’s poll numbers against Alan Keyes consistently indicated over a 20-point lead, while his poll numbers against McCain have sunk from a 7-point lead to negative numbers, Axelrod conceded that the dynamics of this race were “somewhat different."

"Keyes was a crazy Black conservative, and McCain is White. Perhaps this time White voters feel they’ve got a choice between candidates. We’re looking at that.”

Suggesting that the reassessment has not yet produced change the voters can believe in, the Obama campaign’s latest ads have replaced their campaign slogan “Change you can believe in,” with “Vote for Obama. He’s not as bad as McCain.”

Explaining the slight shift, Axelrod pointed out, “Having inspired millions in the early primary days with moderately progressive ideas and Kennedy-esque rhetoric, we’re understandably wary of letting that particular genie out of the bottle again. But everything Barack Obama does and says now will hammer home the point that in some ways he’s a little different and a little better than McCain.”

Asked why Obama has not pointed out that McCain has confused Georgia with Russia, Shiites with Sunnis, Iraq with Iran, Pakistan’s border with Iran’s, and his millionaire wife with a raunchy, topless biker chick, Axelrod cautioned that he did not want to alienate the millions of Americans with relatives who are descending into dementia. But many Obama supporters insist that’s exactly what the Obama campaign should be doing.

“McCain has distracted everyone’s attention from the real issue about his fitness to be President from his diminishing mental acuity to his melanoma,” said one frustrated supporter, “But we should have pointed out that when he showed his latest medical report to reporters, he was holding it upside down.”

White House Reveals New Economic Plan

2009-06-19T14:21:00.002-07:00

The Bush administration revealed its new economic plan to reverse the downward trend of the United States economy, which it now projects that, barring any action and with the election of a Democrat as President and an increase in the number of Democratic Senate and Congressional seats, will be in recession in January, 2009.

The plan, reminiscent of the successful plan following the attacks of 9/11, calls upon Americans to increase their shopping.

“Our economists are still working out some details,” the President said, “But that’s no excuse for Congress not taking immediate action to get us out of these difficulties which they’ve put us into by their reckless spending.”

The details still to be worked out center around whether increased shopping means spending more money or buying more things. With inflation gaining steam, the growing consensus is that consumers must buy more things, since merely spending more money will not lead to increased production or jobs. But with real income steadily declining and jobs disappearing, exactly where Americans will find additional money to spend remains unclear. Nevertheless the President expressed optimism.

“Americans are pretty creative when it comes to finding a way,” he said. “With one in every 461 American homes now in foreclosure, I foresee small businesses springing up that paint and put up foreclosure signs. We can develop a whole new job sector in the futures market, speculating on how much people’s possessions will sell for. Americans can wheel carts up and down the streets, collecting people’s possessions from the curbs and reselling them.”

In response to a reporter pointing out that reselling people’s possessions will not stimulate production, the President responded, “That’s an example of the usual short-sighted thinking. What about building all those carts?”

The President also called for extending the tax cuts for the wealthy.

“If the upper class starts to suffer, who will the people look to for inspiration and hope?” he asked.

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, however, indicated that the White House plan faces an uncertain future.

“This is a reckless and ill-thought out plan,” she said, “And it further proves the wisdom of our strategy of continuing to counterbalance his policies with cautious inaction.”

President Bush Angers Congress with National Intelligence Overhaul

2009-06-19T14:21:00.001-07:00

Congressional leaders, angry at President Bush for overhauling intelligence agencies without consulting them, blasted the President today.

“He didn’t give us a chance to rubber stamp the reorganization,” said House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi. “When have we ever given the President any indication that we would stand up against any of his plans concerning immunity to telecom companies for illegally spying upon Americans, new wiretapping guidelines that significantly erode Americans’ right to privacy, and his vanishing habeas corpus?” she complained. “What does it take to convince this President that we’re full partners in letting him do whatever he wants in his efforts to erode American’s freedoms under the rubric of enhancing national security?”

Presumptive Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama was even more blunt.

“I voted for the last FISA bill that gave the President everything he wanted,” Obama said. “And he still pulls a stunt like this. The only thing I can think of is that he’s holding Blacks to higher standards regarding trustworthiness. What does it take to prove to him that I’m no threat to his threats to individual freedoms? I’ve more than met him half-way; I’ve already moved to the right side of the middle of the road, and if I move any further, I’ll be sitting in Ann Coulter’s lap.”
Just two hours after Obama’s statement, the McCain campaign released a new commercial, showing blonde-haired women and Barack Obama promising, “I’ll be sitting in Ann Coulter’s lap.”

The President, meanwhile, denied intentionally disrespecting Congress. “If I’d taken the time to consult Congress, it would have made Vice President Cheney furious,” he said, “And no American wants to see that. I have a country to pretend to run here.”

Obama Running Out of Positions to Change

2009-06-19T14:20:00.002-07:00

With his latest announcements that he is willing to consider off-shore oil drilling and opening up the Strategic Petroleum Reserves, and following his vote for the FISA bill granting retroactive immunity to telecom companies for violating the law and permitting the government to spy on every American, senior advisors in Barack Obama’s campaign worried that the number of positions the Senator could change is rapidly dwindling.

“Pretty soon, we’re going to have nothing left to shift to the right on,” said one advisor, “And we’re going to get stuck right in a quagmire in the middle of the road.”

Senator Obama, however, remained optimistic. “I still believe in hope,” he said, “And I’m convinced that the number of positions I can shift on will remain unlimited. Americans want change, and I intend to keep on changing,”

Privately, Obama strategists reassured supporters that the Senator is merely being pragmatic, and that his recent shifts in positions are intended only to ensure he wins the election.

“After the election, and after he consolidates his gains during his first term, you will see the real, progressive Obama begin to emerge sometime during his second term,” one high-placed official insisted.

Meanwhile, there were indications that Obama’s policy shifts toward the right were drawing the McCain camp’s subtle racist campaigning into the open. Following his ad linking Obama with hard-partying blonde white women, which featured subliminal phallic symbols to evoke deep-seated views of Black men as lusting after White women [it’s true: see:] the McCain camp released a new ad after Obama’s latest shifts.

“He’s as shifty on the open field as OJ Simpson,” a voiceover says, while a caricature of Obama in tight pants and wearing shoulder pads wiggles his hips and runs after screaming white women.

“And who knows what he’s really after?” The ad then exhorts people to vote for John McCain, who “Will bring out the best in Americans.”

White House Economic Advisors Arrested on Morals Charges

2009-06-19T14:20:00.001-07:00

In a long-developing sting operation, several members and powerful friends of the Bush administration were arrested by Washington DC police today on public lewdness and other morals charges. Police apprehended them in a dark alley as they were taking turns lying on top of a latex life-sized female model.

“In the dim light, they thought this was the United States economy,” explained Chairman Ben Bernanke, “What looked like sexual excitement was really a desperate and well-meaning effort to revive her. They were not kissing her but attempting CPR, and instead of what looked like carnal gratification, they were trying to pump some life into her. This had nothing to do with any administration officials’ selfish needs or gratification”

The Washington DC District Attorney, however, dismissed Bernanke’s explanation.

“Clearly nothing they’ve been doing for the last seven years could have been intended to stimulate the United States economy in any healthy way,” said a spokesperson Announcing that more arrests were expected in their widening investigation of morals charges, including President George Bush and Dick Cheney themselves.

The District Attorney added, “This is not an isolated incident but has been going on for several years with Doll Jones. I know a gang rape ring when I see it.”

National Guard Deploys to Texas for Hurricane Duty

2009-06-19T14:19:00.004-07:00

FEMA and the Department of Defense announced today that the Texas National Guard has mobilized for duty just ahead of the anticipated landfall of tropical storm Dolly.

“Private First Class Hester McFadden, one of two National Guardsmen not in Iraq, is at this very moment on his way for deployment at a major Brownsville intersection,” said a FEMA spokesperson, “Private McFadden will coordinate traffic movement and will be equipped with some food, six bottles of water, a tarp, and a king-sized package of disposable diapers in case an emergency shelter has to be set up on a nearby corner.”

Asked when the Guard will reach his actual deployment area, the spokesperson estimated two more days.

“Private McFadden lost both legs in Iraq, so it will take a while for him to get there,” the spokesperson explained.

The other remaining Guardsman, Private Leonetta Smith, who suffered traumatic brain injury and burns over 90 percent of her body in Iraq, is not yet ready for direct deployment, but officials announced she would be available for emergency backup…..

Senator John McCain, rebutting claims that a McCain presidency would continue the failed policies of George Bush, outlined the major differences a McCain administration would represent.

“We’re not the same,” he said.

McCain, promising more specific details later, said they would include a clear distinction between the wealthy and the rich, stronger support for female fetuses, additional health care for those who could afford it, and a first lady “who wears sable rather than enables and has a set of twins that’s much more enjoyable to look at.”

A spokesperson for McCain later defended his twins comment.

“Like the Senator’s earlier jokes about Chelsea Clinton’s looks and a woman who had been raped by a gorilla and enjoyed it, this indicates that Senator McCain is authentic and not over-handled by media advisors.”

President Unveils New Economic Stimulus Plan

2009-06-19T14:19:00.003-07:00

Taking steps to revitalize the struggling United States economy, President Bush today announced a four-point economic stimulus plan.

“As your President, I’m well aware that it behoovers me to do something to ease the pain of ordinary Americans,” the President declared.

The first step of the new economic stimulus plan, the President said, calls for a joint private industry-government initiative between the government and one of the nation’s largest employers.

“McDonald’s has agreed to not cut wages of its employees for the next 4 months, and they’re even gonna try to hire a few more folks,” the President announced. “This temporary wage guarantee and job increase should reassure thousands of Americans that better days are just around the corner.”

He urged Americans to support McDonald’s patriotic initiative.

“Freddie Mac may be done for,” he said, “But patriotic Americans can still get out there and buy more Big Macs for their families for tonight’s dinner.”

Recognizing that a revitalized Big Mac market will require significantly more sodium, the President announced that the government was opening up a string of salt mines in the nation’s deserts, which will create hundreds of additional government jobs for laborers. “Because all our money’s temporarily tied up in Iraq and Afghanistan, we’re not sure whether we’ll pay these folks,” the President said, “But we’ll give them a place to stay and something to eat each day.”

The second and third points of the President’s new economic stimulus plan call for more tax cuts for the wealthy and more drilling for oil.

“Everyone’s gotta do their share during these times,” the President declared. “I know our nation’s wealthy are upset about being criticized for not paying as much taxes as everyone else, but I’m asking them to endure a little more criticism for the sake of our economy. Sometimes you’ve got to make some hard decisions and shoulder some tough talk when you’re in a position of responsibility.”

The President also stressed the importance of more oil drilling, noting that, “By now it should be apparent to just about everybody that oil is our nation’s lifeblood.”

Finally, the fourth step of the new economic stimulus plan calls for a national treasure hunt.

“It’s a little like in that Nicholas Cage movie,” the President said, “Only this is more real.”

The President announced that he was awarding a million dollars to any American who could locate the Dow Jones average, which dropped out of sight last week. The clues, the President said, would be hidden in large banks and corporations and in Halliburton subsidiaries around the world. When it was pointed out that this gave an advantage to the nation’s wealthiest and most powerful people because ordinary Americans couldn’t get into those places to find the clues, the President pointed out that “Leveling the playing field is the kind of thing that Communists and Socialists talk about.”

Helms Stopped Short of Hell’s Innermost Circle

2009-06-19T14:19:00.001-07:00

In a dramatic, last-minute defense of the innermost circle of Hell, Satan’s minions finally stopped the implacable advance of former Senator Jesse Helms.

Helms, the North Carolina Senator who died on July 4, had quickly pierced through every defense and distraction intended to keep him from reaching Lucifer and winning his greatest battle yet for Christianity.

In his unprecedented rapid advance, Helms had run through every defense by stepping on poor children, lynching Blacks, passing out millions of dollars to tobacco farmers and acquiring an increasingly heavy load of nuclear weapons. But at the end, it was a simple stratagem, using just a magic marker and posterboard, that stopped him.

“We put up a sign just outside the gates to Lucifer’s innermost circle that said, ‘Lucifer’s Castle. Mandatory donation for victims of HIV required. No amount too small, but you must pay something,’” explained a spokesdevil for Satan.

Observers reported that Senator Helms, at first suspecting a trick, asked guards why Satan was soliciting money to help people who’d contracted a deadly disease through licentious and immoral lifestyles, but guards informed him that it cost a lot of money for medications to keep people with AIDS alert enough so they could be tormented for eternity.

Convinced the sign was real, Senator Helms then sat down despondently by the gates, where he was remained ever since.

“We fully expect Senator Helms to remain there and rot in Hell forever,” said the spokesdevil.

Tony Snow Tributes Mirror His Press Secretary Tenure

2009-06-19T14:18:00.002-07:00

As befitting his career, the death of former White House Press Secretary Tony Snow, whose charm put an affable human face onto policies responsible for the death and suffering of hundreds of thousands of people, triggered a whirlwind of false spin this weekend.

Mr. Snow himself, in his trademark manner, best described his accomplishments, calling his tenure as Press Secretary, "The most…intellectually aerobic job I'm ever going to have.” For a former Fox News anchor, the words were both characteristically misleading and uncharacteristically accurate.

During his stint with cancer, Mr. Snow advised people, “Don’t think about dying. Think about living.”

Hundreds of thousands of Iraqis and Americans with no health care tried futilely to follow his advice.

Roger Ailes, chairman of Fox News, called Snow a "renaissance man." Later accused of hyperinflating irony, Mr. Ailes responded, “Machiavelli was a Renaissance man, wasn’t he?”

“We learned a lot from him — most importantly how we should love our families and treat one another,” said current White House Press Secretary Dana Perino.

Later, Ms. Perino clarified her remarks, stating she meant that Mr. Snow taught us how we should treat our families and rich, conservative White Americans.

Meanwhile, former North Carolina Senator Jesse Helms, who died last week, continued his surprisingly quick progress to the innermost circle of Hell, making a close race between he and Tony Snow highly unlikely.

“So far all our efforts to slow Mr. Helms down have been completely futile,” said a spokesdevil for Satan, “He stepped right on top of the poor children we had tied onto the bridge between our first two circles, insisting that nothing would stand in his Christian path to do battle with Lucifer. Then we placed two hundred Black people on mules with nooses around their necks that had been looped over trees, thinking it would take him several days to whack the mules on their rumps, but the daunting task delayed him for just an hour-and-a-half, and at the end he actually seemed re-energized.”

Mr. Helms similarly skirted a diversion between the 4th and 5thcircles. Satan’s minions had lined up six hundred tobacco farmers who stood in line for federal subsidies behind three thousand barrels of thousand dollar bills, but instead of handing the money out carefully, Mr. Helms kicked over every barrel in record time, yelling, “Come and get it!”

Later, a spokesdevil for Lucifer admitted to poor planning, commenting, “We should have foreseen this. That’s the way the Coalition Provisional Authority handed out money in Iraq.”

Whirled News Ticker Tape

2009-06-19T14:18:00.001-07:00

Back from vacation, Whirled News is catching up with last week's news.

The United States Supreme Court yesterday declared the death penalty for child rapists unconstitutional. Writing for the minority, Justice Antonin Scalia protested the decision, claiming, “I don’t see why we should treat children who rape differently than adults who rape.” Joining in the minority dissent, Justice Clarence Thomas declared, “If we can’t kill these child rapists, shouldn’t we at least be allowed to cut off their wee-wees?”…………….

The D The Dow-Jones average plunged to its lowest levels of the year today to 11,500, losing over 300-points. In a statement from the White House, President George Bush told the nation that the precipitous drop in the market was due to growing apprehension that the Democrats will take over the White House in November.

“This is a clear sign that people are so nervous about the Democrats doing their usual mismanagement that the market is already plunging into chaos,” he said. “We are having great difficulty managing the economy with the Democrats always trying to wrest control from us.”

Citing a threat to national security, he called for Democrats to immediately suspend their campaigns or face prosecution. He also called on Congress to immediately make his tax cut for the rich permanent.

“Now, even some of the people who drive our economy are starting to hurt,” he said, “And if we don’t give them more permanent tax relief, the troubles in our economy will start to trickle up.”

In a ceremony at the White House yesterday, President George Bush welcomed Philippines President Gloria Macapago-Arroyo and praised her country’s culture and history by pointing out that the White House chef was Filipino. Noting the Filipino President’s embarrassed laugh, the President quickly recovered and added, “The chef is a great person and a really good cook, by the way, Madam President." [TRUE: he actually said all this.]

The United States, which agreed to join G-8 countries today in pledging to halve greenhouse emissions by 2050, immediately backtracked after the meeting.

“I thought the agreement was to HAVE greenhouse emissions,” said President Bush.

Underscoring the United States commitment, the AP article by Joseph Coleman announcing the agreement referred to “efforts to stem the potentially dangerous rise in world temperatures.” Defending the article’s phrasing, the AP stated, “We just kind of liked the way ‘potentially’ sounded in the sentence. It added a certain balance and rhythm.”

Meanwhile in presidential campaign politics, as the environmental crisis deepened and the world economy plunged deeper into recession, Senator Barack Obama and John McCain continued to focus on repositioning themselves while the media continued to cover campaign strategies and avoid discussing any real issues.

“We’ve got Obama right where we want him,” said one McCain campaign strategist. “It’s our rope-a-dope strategy. As he keeps moving toward the center, we keep moving further to the right, continuing to shift the center. Already it’s getting more difficult to tell the difference between his current positions and those of George Bush when he first ran for President.” A spokesperson for Obama vigorously denied the assertions. “George W, Bush ran as a compassionate conservative,” the spokesperson said. “We’re running as a fiscally responsible person who believes in helping folks.”

In other news, it was reliably reported that former Senator Jesse Helms has already passed the first two circles of Hell.

“Senator Helms was given an immediate free pass through the outermost circle for giving his nation such a generous a gift on the 4th of July by dying on its birthday,” said a spokesperson for Satan. “Then he surprised us by quickly passing through the next circle. We had thought to stymie him by strewing live poor children on the bridge between the two circles, but it turns out that Mr. Helms had no qualms about stepping on them to reach his destination. “Nothing stops a Christian from reaching his final destination to do battle with Lucifer!” Mr. Helms reportedly cried. Addressing dismayed supporters of Mr. Helms back in North Carolina, a family member explained that in the dim light Mr. Helms thought the children were Black.

California Congressman Compares Torture to Fraternity Hazing

2009-06-19T14:17:00.004-07:00

In congressional hearings today on the role of the Justice Department in torture, Rep. Dana Rohrabacher (R-CA) insisted that what other people call torture is really like fraternity hazing.

“I do see here things that seem to be fraternity boy pranks and hazing pranks that I do not -- they might be unacceptable, but they certainly don't fit into the category of torture, which is the word that's been bandied around here,” he said.

Talking Points Memo reporter Kate Klonick reports that in his 13-minutes’ speaking time, Rohrabacher used a variation of the phrase “panties on the head” eight times.

In a press release later that day, the congressman’s office explained that Rohrabacher had not literally meant to compare waterboarding, enforced kneeling and standing in unnaturally painful positions, death threats, sensory deprivation, and exposure to extreme temperatures to fraternity boys wearing panties on their heads.

“The Representative was temporarily in the throes of an unconscious sadomasochistic eruption caused by all those torture stories and photographs,” the statement read, “And this caused him to misstate his real position. Rep. Rohrabacher in fact believes that what happened to prisoners was closer to fraternity boys having urine-soaked panties stuffed forcibly down their throat until they gagged uncontrollably.”

The Imminent Departure of Two Major Political Figures

2009-06-19T14:17:00.003-07:00

With the imminent departure, in different ways, of two important political figures in 2008, Whirled News presents a guide to help future generations tell them apart.

1. He will be known as a politician concerned throughout his career with the social welfare of minorities, the disadvantaged and the poor:
a) Edward Kennedy
b) George W. Bush

2. He will be known as a politician concerned throughout his career with social warfare on minorities, the disadvantaged and the poor:
a) Edward Kennedy
b) George W. Bush

3. Match the person with their family motto:
a) public service is the highest good
b) Thar’s gold in them thar hills

4. Generations to come will be indebted to him:
a) Edward Kennedy
b) George W. Bush

5. Generations to come will be indebted because of him:
a) Edward Kennedy
b) George W. Bush

6. His socializing caused the premature death of one woman and no children:
a) Edward Kennedy
b) George W. Bush

7. His social policies have caused the premature death of hundreds of women and children:
a) Edward Kennedy
b) George Bush

8. His foreign policy was based upon moral principles and shrewd geopolitical analysis:
a) Edward Kennedy
b) George W. Bush

9. His foreign policy was based upon moral catchphrases and shrill geopolitical analysis:
a) Edward Kennedy
b) George W. Bush

10. Throughout his career he surrounded himself with people concerned with good government:
a) Edward Kennedy
b) George W, Bush

11. Throughout his career he jettisoned people concerned with good government:
a) Edward Kennedy
b) George W. Bush

12. He appealed to the best instincts of Americans:
a) Edward Kennedy
b) George W. Bush

13. He appealed to the base instincts of Americans:
a) Edward Kennedy
b) George W. Bush

14. His children will carry on his father's concern for the welfare of all Americans:
a) Edward Kennedy
b) George W. Bush
c) a and b are both correct

Senator Clinton Revamps Campaign Strategy

2009-06-19T14:17:00.001-07:00

A determined Senator Hillary Clinton today refused to drop out of the race for the Democratic presidential nomination and instead revamped her campaign strategy to focus on the upcoming West Virginia primary.

Appearing at a rally in Morgantown, West Virginia, the Senator announced, “This race is about something bigger than my ego. What’s bigger than that? It’s so big that I dare not speak Its name aloud, but y’all know what I mean.”

Sporting a new look, the Senator wore overalls and had two front teeth missing, and the newly energized candidate repeatedly poked her corncob pipe at the audience to emphasize her points.

“Ah’m a straight shooter,” she said. “My daddy taught me how to shoot straight when I was a little girl, and when ah’ve said in the past that ah’m for gun control, ah meant controlling yer aim. Ah represent the common folk. Mah opponent wants to make you pay more and more money for gasoline, but ah want to give you all a rebate this summer, and that’ll help you out no matter what the pointy-headed intellectuals in Washington say. And I say, let’s get the job done in Iraq, but let’s get the job done right.”

Later that day the Senator appeared at the University of Oregon, where another primary is scheduled later this month. Discarding her overalls and corncob pipe and appearing with new teeth, wearing a sensible business suit, and using a pointer, the Senator answered questions from the students and faculty.

Addressing the concerns of Oregonians about the deteriorating environment, the Senator noted that just the other day she had gone to Washington’s Zoo to look at the panders.

“We’ve got to do something to save them and everything else,” she said, “And I’m going to bring together the energy industry and common people to find a solution that balances economical and environmental concerns.”

Asked by a professor of Latin what her favorite book was, the Senator replied, “Pander’s Odes.”

And appealing for a more civil and calmer primary election, she decried “the panderonium that’s been taking place.”

President, Candidates Address Gasoline, Climate Crisis

2009-06-19T14:16:00.002-07:00

A determined President Bush challenged Congress to deal with the soaring price of gasoline by insisting they approve drilling in Alaska and the construction of a string of new oil refineries across the country.

After a series of irrelevant questions, a Whirled News reporter asked the President whether these new initiatives weren’t in direct contradiction to his State of the Union speech in which he said that “America is addicted to oil.”

Several reporters stared in disbelief, and one was heard to mutter, “What kind of reporter does he think he is, asking questions like that?”

The President replied that his new proposals actually supported his warning that America was addicted to oil.

“We’ve got to make sure things get worse with our addiction first,” he said. “Only after our addicted nation touches the bottom will it seek the help it so desperately needs.”

In response to a follow-up question about how building new refineries would address the President’s environmental initiatives he proposed two weeks ago, reporters were heard asking each other, “What environmental initiatives? How are we supposed to remember what he said two weeks ago?”

The President, speaking over the confused murmurs, responded that the environmental initiatives he proposed were long-range proposals to be phased in decades from now when global warming becomes a serious problem, while the gasoline crisis was “as immediate and clear a present danger as another terrorist attack. The American people want their President to act boldly in times of crisis,” he insisted.

Meanwhile, Senators Hillary Clinton and John McCain pushed their proposals for a temporary roll-back of the federal tax on gasoline this summer to help make gas more affordable.

Reiterating his campaign theme of straight, honest talk, McCain insisted, “As a candidate for President of the United States, I can do no less to address global warming and our energy crises.”

Senator Clinton, in supporting the temporary tax rollback, pointed out that, “This proves that I can make the tough decisions. It’s not easy to keep pandering for votes while you’re insisting that America needs a change from politics as usual,” she said.

She pointed out that by supporting her proposal, her opponent Barack Obama could “prove he was on the side of working Americans.”

Obama campaign officials responded that the temporary tax roll-back was merely a cosmetic sop, would accomplish nothing in the long-run, and in fact merely helped fuel the deeper global climate and energy crises. Ms. Clinton responded by announcing that she was considering Monica Lewinsky as her running mate. “We both know how to whore in order to get close to power,” she said.

Whirled News Ticker Tape

2009-06-19T14:16:00.001-07:00

In the wake of the lowest attendance for Earth Day since its inception, experts proposed a change for next year to ensure the sustainability of the holiday.

“It’s just too darned hot and polluted outside to draw any good-sized crowds,” said Tara Ferma. Earth Day’s Executive Director. “We need to consider moving the observance to another planet.”.....

The latest Gallup poll, showing President George W, Bush with the highest disapproval rating in the poll’s 70-year history, 69 percent, is already mired in controversy.

“31 percent of Americans still think he’s doing an adequate job?” said one observer. “Obviously, the Bush administration has hauled out its 2000 and 2004 election shenanigans and fixed this one too.”…..

On the eve of the Pennsylvania primary, Senator Hillary Clinton once again denied playing racial politics.

“Some people always blame others for the fact that they can’t succeed in our society,” she said##

White House Reveals Economic Plan

2009-06-19T14:15:00.004-07:00

The Bush administration reacted boldly to the news that wholesale prices increased by 1.1 percent last month, the second largest increase in 33 years.

“Our economy is not experiencing inflation,” said chief economic spokesperson Buck Uberalles, “Like melting polar ice caps, our temporary economic downtown, and recent violence in Iraq, this is an anomalous spike that people are trying to turn into a crisis for political advantage.”

Uberalles acknowledged that the inflation spike, however temporary, did require government action to alleviate any short-lived suffering.

“Effective immediately,” he announced, “Supermarkets will begin passing out magnifying glasses and tweezers so that families will be able to more efficiently open increasingly downsized items like cereal boxes, candy bars, loaves of bread and milk cartons.”

He also presented optimistic government projections showing that the new packaging will “reduce stress on our nation’s landfills and conserve valuable resources.”

In addition, Uberalles revealed a proposed plan to provide every family with a wheelbarrow to cart armfuls of currency to supermarkets in order to buy a loaf of bread. The plan would be modeled after John McCain’s health care insurance plan, allowing every family who could afford one to buy it at a slight discount.

In response to objections that, like Senator McCain’s health insurance plan, this does nothing for the middle-class and poor, Uberalles pointed out that giving them wheelbarrows would be wasteful since they didn’t have the money anyway.

American Airlines Reluctantly Resumes Flying

2009-06-19T14:15:00.003-07:00

American Airlines today announced that after cancelling over 3,000 flights last week, it was returning all its planes to full service tomorrow.

“Because we’d been losing money on every flight, it was great saving all that money by not flying,” a spokesperson said. “But we’ve milked this as long as we can.”

Officials pronounced the week-long voluntary grounding program an unqualified success.

“Not only did we save a few million bucks, but the public is blaming the FAA, not us, for all the flight cancellations,” the spokesperson said. “Thus, we expect even further dividends from our program down the road. Now the public will start putting pressure on the FAA to back off on their safety rules and regulations, and with those onerous obligations out of the way, we can continue to save even more money.”

Pointing to a cost-savings chart, the spokesperson explained that six months of reduced maintenance and safety checks would more than offset the cost of a crashed plane.

“Lawsuits from grieving and angry relatives may significantly erode the savings,” the spokesperson acknowledged, “But we’re trying to rush a bill through Congress that makes the airlines immune to such collateral damages. We believe that if the telecommunications industry can seek immunity for breaking the law by spying on Americans, we are certainly entitled to immunity for following new rules and regulations.”

Responding to critics who accused the airline of cynically blaming and pressuring the FAA in an attempt to save money, the spokesperson replied that what American did this past week “was in the great American tradition of responsible economic policy."

"We’re like the farmers who used to get paid for not growing crops,” he insisted. “We hope to become the new leading economic model for the airline industry and return to profitability by not flying more frequently.”

American Airlines Reluctantly Resumes Flying

2009-06-19T14:15:00.001-07:00

White House Observes Earth Hour

2009-06-19T14:14:00.002-07:00

As millions of people around the world turned off their lights for one hour starting at 8 PM, the Bush administration unexpectedly joined the world-wide observation of Earth Hour. At precisely 7:30, gangs of thugs fanned out from the Rose Garden into the Washington, DC area, gouging out the eyes of any environmentalists they came across.

“None of these namby-pamby one-hour measures for us,” said Vice President Dick Cheney. “We put out some of their lights for good.”

Between 8 and 9 PM, the White House Earth Hour Squad, as it was officially designated, pulled people out of hybrid cars and broke into houses with only candlelight showing through the windows, sticking their thumbs into people’s eyes and twisting.

“We decided to bring the central metaphor of our administration into concrete reality,” said a White House spokesperson.

Before leaving the houses, squad members turned on all lights, appliances and power bars, leaving residents groping blindly amid the noise and glare.

“It’s a win-win situation,” explained the Vice President. “We’ve actually increased next month’s average utility bills, which will help the utility companies’ bottom line. And the very environmentalists who tried to sabotage our nation’s economy are now going to have to pay those higher bills.”

Officials announced they were so pleased with the program’s success that they intend to implement it in other cities next year. Reminded that a new administration will be in control next year, a spokesperson for Vice President Cheney replied, “Don’t be so sure.”

Bush Administration Reveals Bold New Climate Change Plan

2009-06-19T14:14:00.001-07:00

The Bush administration announced its long awaited plans to address global warming. Signifying the importance of the new proposal, Vice President Cheney, the most powerful man in the United States government, announced the bold new plan.

“We’re going to bomb the bejeezus out of Iran, Afghanistan, and a few other places which I do not intend to divulge in order to keep the terrorists guessing,” the Vice President announced. “The combined force of the unprecedented explosions will move the Earth a few degrees out of its present orbit, just farther enough from the sun to cool our temperature by two degrees Fahrenheit.”

Insisting that the Bush administration had learned a lesson about post-war planning, Mr. Cheney announced that the United States would immediately begin drilling for oil in Alaska and building a string of refineries across the country.

“We’re going to need more heating oil when our planet moves further away from the sun and starts cooling,” he said, and we’ll be ready for it.”

Stressing that the new environmental plan entailed even longer-range planning than the new oil drilling, Mr. Cheney also announced a $10 trillion contract to Raytheon to develop the next generation of nuclear bombs to move the Earth again 30 years from now when the increase in fossil fuel burning may necessitate another orbital readjustment. As part of the plan, Halliburton has been awarded a $1 trillion contract to build and maintain Raytheon City in the Mojave Desert, which will house the massive project.

“The new city will require water,” Mr. Cheney pointed out, “And so former Haliburton subsidiary Brown, Kellogg and Root will be awarded an $80 billion contract to build a pipeline from the Great Lakes to the Mojave Desert.”

Referring to critics, who have warned that the project will result in the draining of the Great Lakes, as “environmental alarmists,” Mr. Cheney pointed out that with Lakes Mead and Powell projected to dry up by 2021, the emerging dry basins will provide excellent holding areas for the newly arriving Great Lakes waters, a clear indication, he said, that God favors the administration’s plan.

Outcry Against Negative Campaigning Grows

2009-06-19T14:13:00.004-07:00

A new voice joined the criticism of ex-Obama aide Samantha Power for calling Senator Hillary Clinton a “monster."

“Calling Senator Clinton a monster is a deep personal insult to me,” said Ben Chapman, who donned a rubber suit to play the creature from the black lagoon in the 1954 horror movie of the same name.

“It propagates the false stereotype of monsters as creatures who will do anything to take over and win, when in fact most of us monsters were really just misunderstood and were trying to protect our own turf.”

Chapman did however concede one similarity between Senator Clinton and him. “I too had a devil of time squeezing into my outfit each day,” he said.

Obama also gained a vote of confidence from a former Clinton White House worker, who decried Senator Clinton’s, “Who will answer the phone at 3 AM?” ad. “When she was First Lady, Hillary had no idea what was going on in the White House at 3 AM,” said Monica Lewinsky.

Despite the apparent backlash against the Clinton barrage of negative campaigning, Obama campaign officials expressed concern.

“Some people might say that this ultimately makes him a more attractive candidate, but Obama’s really getting his ears pinned back,” said an aide to the Illinois Senator.

Obama officials promised that the Senator would begin responding more aggressively to the Clinton negative campaigning but acknowledged that fashioning a counterattack is difficult.

“They’ve borrowed a page from the George Bush playbook,” he pointed out. “His father did it and he’s been doing it too. You attack viciously, either directly or sneakily, and then the moment your opponent responds in kind, you cry foul and accuse him of playing dirty. We just have to help the American people realize that this is yet another example of what little real difference there is between Bush and Clinton campaigning—hey, I just did it!” he exclaimed.

In other news, President Bush once again denied that the economy is in recession.

“I’ve never lied to the American people about anything,” he asserted, “And I always accept responsibility for any mistakes I make. So let me say this again. We’re winning in Iraq and Afghanistan, our enemies are growing weaker, and our country is growing stronger, but our economy has hit a temporary slowdown. We’re still driving along this fine road, but we’ve hit a little mud patch is all. We just need to stay in the car and keep going, while anyone who tries to climb out and try something else is going to get splattered with mud. Tell your Congressmen to make my tax cuts for the rich permanent, or else this temporary slowdown will turn into something worse and it’ll be all Congress’s fault. And just think about those rebate checks you’ll be getting. Thanks to Congress falling quickly in line with my economic stimulus package, those checks will be arriving in time to still buy a full tank of gas and filter even more money of that new money we’ve just printed toward the upper 2 percent of our wealthiest citizens. After all, they’re the ones--not government—that’ll make this whole thing work.”

God Expresses Despair Over Presidential Primaries

2009-06-19T14:13:00.003-07:00

A visibly exhausted God lapsed into a rare moment of despair today at His press conference following last night’s presidential primaries.

“With these latest results, it’s looking like this campaign is going to drag on forever,” He said, “And until everyone stops talking about all these other issues, no one’s going to do anything about global warming. Because of hundreds of extra tons of hydrocarbon emissions in the atmosphere, Atlas has retired with crippling bursitis, and I’ve had to take over for him. Honest to Me, I can’t hold off this global warming all by Myself much longer.”

Reporters tried to cheer Him up by pointing out that at least the Republican nominee was decided, but God saw little good news in that.

“That alter kaker McCain may not live until the November election,” He said, “and that will put everything right back to people talking about all these other things again.”

Informed of God’s comments, Republican presumptive nominee John McCain said, “While I would never disagree with anything God says, my friends, I would point out to Him that unless we uphold our honor in Iraq, stay the course and prevail, it’s irrelevant whether the entire world ecosystem collapses. Would you rather live in a world in which Al-Qaeda is on the loose? They thrive in hot weather and barren deserts.”

The Democratic nominees also respectfully disagreed with God.

“Oh, I’m sure God will save us and leave me time to focus on other issues that will garner me votes,” said Senator Hillary Clinton. “If I can do things like fit into my pants suits and transubstantiate my vote on Iraq, He can stop global warming.”

Senator Barack Obama’s office also issued a statement, expressing his concern for God.

“God’s statements today, lacking His usual grandiloquence, show how exhausted He is,” he said. “But let me assure every one of you that I intend to carry my own oration forward into the future until such time as He is able to extend His oratorical glory to all of us once again and unite us all in common mission. And even if the pace of global warming is now happening faster than most scientists predicted, change is what we’re all about, isn’t it? My fellow Americans, we must never change out of fear but we must never fear to change.”

Reflecting His growing despair, twice during His press conference, God tried to focus on good news but both times veered toward darkness again.

“At least last night’s results knocked Crazy Mike out of the race,” He said at one point. “But he may be back as a Vice Presidential candidate, and he’s one of those guys who thinks responsibility for everything rests on Me.”

Later in the conference, God momentarily expressed optimism about Ralph Nader entering the race.

“There’s the only guy who will stand up to corporate interests and meaningfully implement alternate energy,” He said. “But even if this Nader guy somehow gets elected and sets up windmills all across the country, a year later he’s likely to start knocking them down with his lance.”

Fox News Apologizes for Unintentional Obama-Clinton Slur

2009-06-19T14:13:00.001-07:00

Fox News president Roger Ailes today apologized for a Fox News headline that said, “Obama-Clinton Discovered in Bed Together,” contending that while the story itself accurately related how the two contenders for the Democratic nomination were actually coordinating an attack to wrest control of the government from the Republicans and hand it over to the terrorists in November, the headline itself “may have been a bit misleading.”

“We in no way meant to evoke stereotypes of an oversexed black male lusting after a white woman,” he said. “Instead we merely meant to remind our viewers of the Clintons as a licentious couple who have no respect for the exclusiveness of sex within a marriage, of Hillary Clinton as a shrill woman who fights in an hysterical and vindictive manner, and of Barack Obama as a naïve black dupe who gets caught up in matters which he cannot understand and which are beyond his control.” Rejecting accusations of Fox News as racist for running the headline, Ailes said that his news organization was repeating basically the same story line as Richard Wright’s Native Son, a “widely read novel written by another Communist Negro man.”

“Fox News remains firmly committed to analyzing the major political stories of our time, going beneath al the blather about policies and programs to get at the truth of what’s really going on,” he said.

Whirled News Ticker Tape

2009-06-19T14:12:00.002-07:00

An exhausted and visibly discouraged Mitt Romney withdrew from the Republican presidential race yesterday, announcing that, “We simply ran out of issues on which I could change positions.”

Supporters of Romney made a last-ditch effort to persuade him to remain in the race, pointing out that he could go back over the list and start changing his positions again, but in the end Romney demurred, saying that that would only call into question the principles which his square jaw exemplifies.

“We ran a good campaign,” he told his supporters. “My ever-shifting positions clearly showed that I was the candidate of change. But in the end the Republican voters chose to reject expediently heartless conservatism for rock-hard heartless conservatism, and we must respect their verdict.”

Romney announced that he would take some time off to attend to pressing family issues. “Early in the campaign, in response to a question about why my fighting age sons didn’t enlist to fight in Iraq , I said that they were serving their country by helping me campaign for President,” he said. “Now that I’ve withdrawn from the race, I have to help them find some duffle bags and start packing.”……

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice today ended her surprise visit to Afghanistan , returning home with two tons of crushed rubble. Confronting her critics who accused her of looting the country of its most valuable resources in order to build a new road outside her estate, Rice insisted that this was part of the long-promised United States rebuilding effort of the country.

“We have spent the last seven-and-a-half years since we promised to rebuild Afghanistan carefully considering how to best do it,” she said, “And these two tons of crushed rubble represent the beginning of a bold new initiative. We did not want to go about this the way we did in Iraq, by merely shipping two pallets of large denomination bills and passing the money directly out to corrupt officials [this is true]. Instead, under a contract with Halliburton, they will haul out tons of rubble in the next few years, sell it here and do something with some of the money to help rebuild some things over there.”….

Senator John McCain spoke yesterday to a national convention of conservatives, re-establishing his conservative credentials.

“Frankly, it’s a mystery to me how I could have ever been branded a liberal,” he said. “All I ever did remotely liberal was to propose some campaign financing reforms that turned out to be useless, and to propose some really high bars before allowing immigrants to attain legal status instead of arming our border patrol with conventional nuclear weapons. Oh, and I argued ineffectually against some tax cuts for the rich, but I’ve changed my mind on that one. I still believe that abortion should be illegal, that government should get out of the business of helping any poor and disabled who aren’t vets, that we should stay in Iraq for at least a few decades while fighting other wars under the cover of spreading democracy, and that business, not morality, is the engine that drives our country. Calling me a liberal is like calling Rudy Guiliani a liberal or like calling an elephant a flying machine.”

Illinois Presidential Primary Yields Surprises

2009-06-19T14:12:00.001-07:00

February 5, 2008 (CHICAGO) —Results from the Illinois presidential primary have surprised pollsters and political pundits alike. On the Republican side, a runaway upset victory for Generalissimo Francisco Franco left observers scrambling for explanations. “It looks as if the majority of Republican voters have had enough of all this talk about change and have decided to cast their votes for the only candidate who promised no change at all,” said one observer. “In passing over John McCain and Mitt Romney, voters have clearly signaled that they want to stay with a candidate who combines the sentience of Ronald Reagan and the policies of George W. Bush.”

In the days leading up the election, the Generalissimo outflanked his opponents on two key issues. Hammering home his views on immigration by pointing out that the Spanish Civil War insurgency was largely composed of illegal immigrants, the Generalissimo thundered, “Never again must we let the democracy our party overthrew fall back into the hands of counterrevolutionaries who do not even speak our language.” The Generalissimo also took the steam out of his opponents’ proposals to jumpstart the troubled economy. “Our economy is muy bueno,” insisted the Generalissimo, who adapted a phrase recalling the heyday of the United States economy. “What is good for General Franco is good for the country,” he said.

Leading Republican contenders promptly accused Franco of dirty campaigning. “In the days before the election, thousands of Illinois voters received a mailing referring to me as the Mormon Jabber-wacko Liar,” complained Romney. John McCain also complained about a mass anonymous mailing pointing out that he would be the oldest elected President in the history of the country. “Generalissimo Franco himself ran his country quite competently while in a coma on his deathbed for almost a year,” said McCain, “and I intend to do the same.”

The Illinois Democrat primary also yielded a surprise. With 98 percent of the votes tallied, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton were in an exact tie, not just in percentages but in raw numbers. “Apparently voters could not make up their minds whether to vote for the candidate of grand pronouncements and half-way measures or the candidate of bland pronouncements and half-way measures,” said an observer.

Current Events Quiz

2009-06-19T14:11:00.004-07:00

This person lured a country known for its alliances with harsh dictators and for its opposition to genuine democratic movements in its own and in other countries into spending billions of dollars on fighting a war it should never have fought and on other defense-related issues. He is considered responsible for the county’s eventual economic collapse and is hailed as a hero by millions of people around the world.

Ronald Reagan
Osama bin Laden
Both a & b are correct
Neither a nor b are correct

As part of the economic stimulus plan proposed by the Bush administration and Congress, a provision stipulates that when the Dow Jones hits 0, it will automatically reset to 12,000.

True
False

A study by two nonprofit journalism organizations finds that in the two years following 9/11, Bush administration officials made 934 false claims about Iraq.

True
False

Barack Hussein Obama’s big ears are actually homing devices that will help his fellow Muslim terrorists zero in on Washington, DC after he is elected President.

True
False

Justice Antonin Scalia, in opposing a condemned man’s claim that lethal injections constitute cruel and unusual punishment, said, “There is nothing in the Constitution that forbids inflicting pain.”

True
False

Justice Antonin Scalia, in an opinion joined by Justice Clarence Thomas, held that torture was not torture with suspects in the war on terror because fanatics are incapable of feeling pain.

True
False

ANSWERS:

C is correct. If you answered d, thinking that the real answer was George Bush, you missed the phrase “hailed as a hero by millions of people around the world
False. This is the one useless idea NOT in the economic stimulus plan.
False. The study finds they made 935 false claims. If you answered False because you believed it was Rudy Giuliani who made 935 false claims about his own role in protecting New York City after 9/11, you receive half a point credit for choosing the right answer for the wrong reason.
False. If you answered True because you heard it on Fox News, subtract an additional point from your total for being so shameless that you admit to watching Fox News.
True. Amazing, isn’t it? Before he was publicly humiliated and forced to resign, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez was reportedly working on a legal brief explaining the difference between pain and cruel and unusual punishment.
False. If you answered True, you probably have this confused with the widespread idea during World War II that Japanese soldiers weren’t afraid to die.

Democrats, Republicans Call for Unity on Economic Stimulus Plan

2009-06-19T14:11:00.003-07:00

Democratic and Republican congressional leaders, backing the Bush administration’s plan to stimulate the economy by paying an estimated $800 each to millions of United States citizens, requested the media not to refer to the plan as “hush money.”

“This is a genuine economic stimulus package, not a way to get people to focus on the short-term gratification of getting an $800 check and to ignore how much we and our friends have stuffed into our own pockets during the last eight years,” they said in a joint statement. “This is not hush money. We fully expect the media to continue to silently question the massive tax cuts to the rich and the unprecedented redistribution of the wealth to the top one percent of the country. We’re just asking that they continue to question it silently. That makes it more like prayer, and even the media’s not against prayer, are they?”

Asked why they chose to give away money to selected citizens rather than to create broad-based work and social programs that look to the country’s economic future, government economic spokesperson Kay Syrah replied, “We are looking to the future. When this President leaves office in January of 2009, he’s determined to leave it on a temporary high note. And the notion of government works programs is soooo 1940’s. Our President’s entire life has been about trusting that God and family friends will shelter him from the disastrous consequences of his short-term decisions and their long-term consequences, and we fully intend to go with what has always worked for him. We invite all Americans to participate in the opportunity of being remade in our own image. Short-term greed and denial is working for global warming, and, trust us, it’ll work for our economy as well.”

Congressional Democratic leaders however revealed a crack in the unity, expressing reluctance to back a provision of the economic stimulus plan that calls for prosecuting for treason anyone putting their check into savings instead of buying something. “Treason’s way over the top,” said a Democratic spokesperson. “We’re insisting that the charges be reduced to theft of government property.” Democrats also reassured their nervous constituents that they will continue to press the President for additional meaningless changes and not cave in to his most egregious demands until the last possible minute. “In everything we do, we mean business,” said House Leader Nancy Pelosi. “Think about that, and believe it.”

Mitt Romney Speaks On Mormonism

2009-06-19T14:11:00.001-07:00

December 6, 2007 (CHICAGO)—As a recording of Ethel Mormon blasting out, “There’s no business like show business” played, presidential candidate Mitt Romney today strode to the podium and explained to the American people why his Mormon beliefs would not affect his presidency. “For one thing,” he said, “I share the same beliefs as every other American, that Jesus Christ is the son of God and that we find eternal salvation through belief in Him, and that everyone who does not capitalize the third personal singular pronoun when referring to Him is not entitled to any protection or consideration from the United States government which, after all, is founded on Judeo Christian principles, though I’m not sure the Judeo part really has any meaning any more.”

He also expressed outrage over any forms of religious intolerance, decrying “bigots who would treat members of any religion in ways that only agnostics, atheists or undocumented workers and their children should be treated.”

Romney insisted that his religious beliefs and the beliefs of his religious leaders belong in one domain and stop where the presidency is concerned. “Their authority is theirs, within the province of church affairs, and it ends where the affairs of the nation begin,” he said. “Render unto religious leaders what is the religious leaders’ and render unto millionaires the rest of the country.” Romney did however point out that as the first Mormon president, he would make one change in accordance with his Mormon beliefs, which would open up new opportunities for women. “It’s about time this country had four first ladies instead of one,” he said.

Analysts Explain Clinton's Surprising NH Win

2009-06-19T14:09:00.000-07:00

January 10, 2008 (CHICAGO)—Media and political analysts, struggling for the last few days to explain Hillary Clinton’s surprising win in the New Hampshire primary, have finally decided that a last minute change on the ballot, designed to capitalize on her insistence that she is the most electable candidate, was the deciding factor. “By appearing on the ballot as White D. Eisenhower, Ms. Clinton in one fell swoop recaptured the middle,” said one analyst.

Ms. Clinton’s come-from-behind victory immediately set off a round of finger-pointing at the Obama campaign for not challenging her last minute name change, but Obama staffers defended their refusal to act. “We hoped it wouldn’t work,” said one. “We really, really, really hoped.” The spokesperson added however that, “In retrospect we were wrong not to challenge her use of the name White D. Eisenhower, if only because Eisenhower was against the military-industrial complex.”

Obama himself issued a clarification on his spokesperson’s comments later in the day. “For me to accuse Ms. Clinton of misrepresentation would have been hypocritical,” he said. “After all, I’ve been billing myself as the candidate of change, when everyone knows that the only genuine Democrat candidate of change is Dennis Kucinich. Further, had I attacked Ms. Clinton for misrepresenting herself, she could have pointed out that I’m proposing meaningful changes in health insurance while I’m the Democrat candidate who’s accepted the second largest contributions from the health insurance industry--$266,384 to Ms. Clinton’s $274,436.”